Well there's the problem. Our very scientific experiment just proved that caffeine deficiency can result in atrophy of the brain cell that processes the letter 'r.'
Sorry I slacked off on Mt. Dew duty. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I think its only fair that ACU Frank has a shot at continuing the story as long as he continues it where I left off, (Paul possibly dead, and Frank running around drooling and screaming without any pants)
That's even better than what I thought to myself when I typed "Mt. Dew duty." And that was "that sounded like 'doody!'" I'm having an immature moment. Or two.
I nominate HRQ to continue the story. I find her funny. Like the odd sister that lives in a special home.
Then maybe Ray could take a shot, and anyone else. Eventually we could have a big vote on who did the best job telling the story and the winner would get a lifetime supply of HR HERO t-shirts.
With a prize like that, maybe even ACU "No Pants" Frank will take a shot.
As a service to our attention span challenged Forumites, myself included, I've reassembled the story thus far; (with a few embellishments)
"Pariah" means "reject!", yells Paul across a series of cramped cubicles. "I looked it UP!"
ACU Frank rips a set of headphones off his head and pauses the casette recording of "Introduction to Human Resources" on his desk. "So?" Frank growls, slowly standing to glare back at Paul over the cubicles. "You got a problem with that?"
Paul leaps over a small partitioned wall and lands like a cat on top of the copy machine. Frank spins and grabs a large stapler on his desk. With the confidence of an old high school quarterback, Frank launches a perfect spiral directly aimed at Paul left knee.
To avoid the airborne stapler, Paul executes a perfect three point flip from the copy machine, accidentally causing the copy machine to make 20 blank copies, double sided. The stapler misses Paul by inches and takes out Stan from accounting who had unfortunately prarie-dogged from his cubicle at that exact moment to see what the ruckus was all about.
"Smooth move, Ex Lax!" sneers Paul, unintentionally pulling out an insult from his middle school years, "NOW who's going to process our invoices!"
"You've HAD THIS COMING FOR YEARS", snarls Frank, "what with your stupid threads that won't die and conservative rants! Its time someone took you to the woodshed! I'm going OLD TESTAMENT on you! You're going to qualify for FMLA and ADA when I'm done with you!" ---------------------------------------- (Camera pans over to the unbelievably talented-in-the-rhyming-department, and, by the way, quite attractive cheering section, who, unexplicably, are wearing sequined shoes and sunglasses reminiscent of Elton John in the 70's and 80's)
Rah, rah, ree! Throw a stapler at his knee!
Rah, rah, rass! Throw a stapler at his other knee!
Go TEAM! ------------------------------------------ (Camera pans back to the escalating Frank-and-Paul scuffle)
Frank lowers his head and charges at Paul who has unexplicably returned to posting on HR HERO. Momentarily distracted, Paul is oblivious to Frank's attack until its too late. Frank's shoulder blades connect with Paul's ribs and both men tumble to the floor.
Being interrupted mid-post sends Paul into a seething rage. Placing two feet on Franks ample midsection, he launches Frank over the flimsy cubicle walls and into the employee breakroom.
"Must.. finish.. post!" cries Paul, wincing in pain from two cracked ribs. Pulling himself up to his Swedish ergonomic chair he punches out a few last words and presses "submit".
To the horrified gasps of fellow co-workers, ACU Frank has landed square on top of the six foot lunchroom table. Frank rolls painfully off the table and shakes the stars out of his head. Unable to form anything more than a monosyllabic grunt, Frank spins and begins feeding coins into the vending machine.
Back at the computer, Paul is chuckling to himself at one of his own posts when two twinkies, a pop tart, and a bottle of apple juice catch him square on the side of his jaw. "HA!! GHaggleSHRRRGGG!!!" screams Frank, eyes wide and wild with psychotic abandon.
Frank begins to twirl like a dervish, ripping his tie off his neck and holding his arms high in a show of primeval triumph.
A couple of interns approach Paul's motionless body and poke it with a ruler. Nothing. No movement. No response.
The office grows quiet except for Frank's Tasmanian grunts and howls. Suddenly, the silence is broken by a woman's scream.
"Frank's taking off his pants!!!!"
-------------------------- (Camera pans back to the cheering section. There is a "thought bubble" over HRQ's head. She's thinking;)
"Inexplicably, Paul has no idea that unexplicably is not a word.
Irregardless, I shall continue on with my cheers!"
She shrieks in her best cheerleader voice;
"Rah rah reck, hit 'em in the neck!
Rah rah relbow, hit 'em in the elbow!
Rah rah, er, ruler, poke Paul with a ruler!
Rah rah rants, Frank, PUT ON YOUR PANTS!" --------------------------------- Ray a, with trombone in hand, enters the room swiftly, leaps upon the nearest desk and says in his mighty barritone;
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 04-06-07 AT 11:05AM (CST)[/font][br][br]Popcorn's ready if anybody wants some! I also picked up some Junior Mints ("their minty, their chocolate, their delicious!") and some chocolate covered peanuts. We better get back to the saga or I'm gonna get plump on all of this stuff. Oh, I also got a gigantic 140 oz diet DP. Sorry Dewty is too much caffeind for me, I'd have to be the flying caped wonder in this story if I had Dewty!
Actually, a flying, caped jitrbug might be just what this story needs. It needs more excitement.
Junior Mints bring back bad memories for me. People who are not old enough to drink responsibly should not eat Jr. Mints after drinking copious amounts of vodka is all I have to say about that.
Ray a, glad you found the Mt. Dew right where I left it. Did you get the Twinkies, or did someone steal them before you got to them? As I was leaving, I saw someone in the shadows. The only identifying feature I could make out was what appeared to be an ace bandage around a severly swollen knee. I heard a muffled yet menacing sound coming from the shadows. Sounded like "mmmmm, Twinkies.... MWAAA HAA HAA HAA HAA....!"
But you would have to put them back on, on this thread in order to take them off on another thread otherwise you go over to the other thread already de-panted. A minor technicality but these are the type of "little" details that gets Hollywood in trouble!
What if we find out in the end that Paul was only having a dream? If he was only dreaming that I took my pants off - and boy, that's something I hear about a lot - then I could take them off on another post without having to put them on here.
One caveat - I'm not taking my pants off on any posts involving Sharia Law. I don't want to have anything cut off as a punishment.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my own dream to get back to. It's nothing like Paul's - this one features Christy...
Ok you caught me. Ignoring the fact that they have been making me work for a living around here and I've not had a lot of forum time, when Paul took off his pants I could no longer stand by and merely be an observer (peeker), I had to jump into the throngs of the living plus I had to find out if all of those ladies room messages about Paul were true but my decision is getting lost in the minutia of the saga.
I guess if you want something done, you got to do it yourself.
After 30 minutes of being poked with a ruler by unpaid interns, Paul slowly begins to stir, moaning softly.
"Quick! He's moving! Someone gets some help!" yells one of the interns.
"Who should I talk to? I have only been here one week." replies the other intern.
"Me too." says the first intern. "Hey, check this out! I totally caught that guy with no pants on my cell phone video camera."
"Serious?" replies the other intern, "Dude, you MUST post that on YouTube!"
"We'll be famous! Come on, lets go!" Both interns turn and scamper back to their cubicles.
Meanwhile, a small group of office staff have gathered to form a crisis committee.
"Should we wake up Ray" asks HRQ.
"No, he'll just be grouchy." says Jtrbug, opening a third box of CrackerJacks.
Before the crisis committee could come to any kind of plan of action, ACU Frank had completed a lap around the entire office. Grunting and snorting like a wild animal, Frank ran up and down the office halls jumping on desks, spilling coffee cups, and knocking over computer monitors.
"Look, he is heading back to the lunch room!" yelled Larry.
ACU Frank, liberated from both his pants and any apparent influence of civilization, bounded on all fours into the employee lunchroom and began pawing the vending machines, vainly attempting to reach the snacks and pop behind the glass.
"Quick, shut the door and lock him in!" screamed HRQ.
HRQ, Larry, and Jtrbug simultaneously ran to the lunch room and shut the door. Before ACU Frank could open the door, they pushed both a desk and a filing cabinet up against the lunchroom door to barricade the wildly thrashing Frank inside.
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 04-09-07 AT 02:27PM (CST)[/font][br][br][font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 04-09-07 AT 12:06 PM (CST)[/font]
"Interns, guard the door." HRQ stated firmly. "Do NOT move from your posts or disciplinary action will result, up to and including being sent in there with ACU Frank. I'm NOT messing around with you people."
"Sheesh," she continued, "you have to tell these guys to do EVERYTHING. Can't anybody take action without being told first? You know, I have a mind to..."
"Want some Twinkies?" interrupted jtrbug. "I found them in Paul's backpack. They're only a little bit dented from the interns poking him with the ruler."
"Nah, let's head to happy hour. Paul's semi-conscious, Ray's asleep, and ACU Frank will never bust through that flimsy hollow core door. That puts ME in charge! Woohoo!"
And with that, HRQ, jtrbug and Larry piled into the car and screeched out of the partking lot, leaving nothing but skid marks and smoke in their wake.
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 04-09-07 AT 04:05PM (CST)[/font][br][br]I think that might be a good place to end this story.
I was going to have ACU Frank file a grievance with his union and the end result was that Ray was woken up in time to issue a "PANTS OPTIONAL FRIDAYS" ruling to satisfy the union.
Regardless, both Frank and I would be sent to sensitivity training.
Meanwhile, the "crazy office guy without pants" video skyrockets to the top of YouTube resulting in "unpaidinternguy07" becoming a brief minor celebrity.
Eventually the intern was found to have violated the corporate blogging policy and was dismissed.
By the way, I noticed that there have been something like 2,831 views of this thread. If you figure each view was approx. 3 minutes long, that calculates to almost 18 work days that have been totally wasted on this thread.
AND that leaves me in charge forever more, with jitrbug and Larry in tow. Plus, we got all the Twinkies.
You know, Paul, if you already KNEW how you wanted the story to continue, you could have just typed it that way. Instead, you left it open, and I ran with it.
We can't let it end this way. What happens to you? Do you ever fully regain consciousness? Will Ray ever wake up? What will ever become of "Pantsless Frank?" How long can he survive on lunchroom coffee and Skittles from the snack machine? So many questions left unanswered.
Comments
Sorry I slacked off on Mt. Dew duty. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Then maybe Ray could take a shot, and anyone else. Eventually we could have a big vote on who did the best job telling the story and the winner would get a lifetime supply of HR HERO t-shirts.
With a prize like that, maybe even ACU "No Pants" Frank will take a shot.
"Pariah" means "reject!", yells Paul across a series of cramped cubicles. "I looked it UP!"
ACU Frank rips a set of headphones off his head and pauses the casette recording of "Introduction to Human Resources" on his desk. "So?" Frank growls, slowly standing to glare back at Paul over the cubicles. "You got a problem with that?"
Paul leaps over a small partitioned wall and lands like a cat on top of the copy machine. Frank spins and grabs a large stapler on his desk. With the confidence of an old high school quarterback, Frank launches a perfect spiral directly aimed at Paul left knee.
To avoid the airborne stapler, Paul executes a perfect three point flip from the copy machine, accidentally causing the copy machine to make 20 blank copies, double sided. The stapler misses Paul by inches and takes out Stan from accounting who had unfortunately prarie-dogged from his cubicle at that exact moment to see what the ruckus was all about.
"Smooth move, Ex Lax!" sneers Paul, unintentionally pulling out an insult from his middle school years, "NOW who's going to process our invoices!"
"You've HAD THIS COMING FOR YEARS", snarls Frank, "what with your stupid threads that won't die and conservative rants! Its time someone took you to the woodshed! I'm going OLD TESTAMENT on you! You're going to qualify for FMLA and ADA when I'm done with you!"
----------------------------------------
(Camera pans over to the unbelievably talented-in-the-rhyming-department, and, by the way, quite attractive cheering section, who, unexplicably, are wearing sequined shoes and sunglasses reminiscent of Elton John in the 70's and 80's)
Rah, rah, ree! Throw a stapler at his knee!
Rah, rah, rass! Throw a stapler at his other knee!
Go TEAM!
------------------------------------------
(Camera pans back to the escalating Frank-and-Paul scuffle)
Frank lowers his head and charges at Paul who has unexplicably returned to posting on HR HERO. Momentarily distracted, Paul is oblivious to Frank's attack until its too late. Frank's shoulder blades connect with Paul's ribs and both men tumble to the floor.
Being interrupted mid-post sends Paul into a seething rage. Placing two feet on Franks ample midsection, he launches Frank over the flimsy cubicle walls and into the employee breakroom.
"Must.. finish.. post!" cries Paul, wincing in pain from two cracked ribs. Pulling himself up to his Swedish ergonomic chair he punches out a few last words and presses "submit".
To the horrified gasps of fellow co-workers, ACU Frank has landed square on top of the six foot lunchroom table. Frank rolls painfully off the table and shakes the stars out of his head. Unable to form anything more than a monosyllabic grunt, Frank spins and begins feeding coins into the vending machine.
Back at the computer, Paul is chuckling to himself at one of his own posts when two twinkies, a pop tart, and a bottle of apple juice catch him square on the side of his jaw. "HA!! GHaggleSHRRRGGG!!!" screams Frank, eyes wide and wild with psychotic abandon.
Frank begins to twirl like a dervish, ripping his tie off his neck and holding his arms high in a show of primeval triumph.
A couple of interns approach Paul's motionless body and poke it with a ruler. Nothing. No movement. No response.
The office grows quiet except for Frank's Tasmanian grunts and howls. Suddenly, the silence is broken by a woman's scream.
"Frank's taking off his pants!!!!"
--------------------------
(Camera pans back to the cheering section. There is a "thought bubble" over HRQ's head. She's thinking;)
"Inexplicably, Paul has no idea that unexplicably is not a word.
Irregardless, I shall continue on with my cheers!"
She shrieks in her best cheerleader voice;
"Rah rah reck, hit 'em in the neck!
Rah rah relbow, hit 'em in the elbow!
Rah rah, er, ruler, poke Paul with a ruler!
Rah rah rants, Frank, PUT ON YOUR PANTS!"
---------------------------------
Ray a, with trombone in hand, enters the room swiftly, leaps upon the nearest desk and says in his mighty barritone;
(to be continued... )
wants some! I also picked
up some Junior Mints ("their
minty, their chocolate, their
delicious!") and some
chocolate covered peanuts.
We better get back to the
saga or I'm gonna get plump
on all of this stuff. Oh,
I also got a gigantic
140 oz diet DP. Sorry Dewty is
too much caffeind for me,
I'd have to be the flying
caped wonder in this story
if I had Dewty!
Junior Mints bring back bad memories for me. People who are not old enough to drink responsibly should not eat Jr. Mints after drinking copious amounts of vodka is all I have to say about that.
Ray a, glad you found the Mt. Dew right where I left it. Did you get the Twinkies, or did someone steal them before you got to them? As I was leaving, I saw someone in the shadows. The only identifying feature I could make out was what appeared to be an ace bandage around a severly swollen knee. I heard a muffled yet menacing sound coming from the shadows. Sounded like "mmmmm, Twinkies.... MWAAA HAA HAA HAA HAA....!"
Send 'em over to the junk food pool.
Since I took my pants off on this thread, it has outpaced "Son of" by a 35-6 margin.
So... if anyone else has a thread that's starting to struggle a bit, I could be bribed to come over to it and take off my pants.
on this thread in order to take them off on another thread otherwise you go over to the other thread already de-panted. A minor
technicality but these are the type
of "little" details that gets Hollywood
in trouble!
One caveat - I'm not taking my pants off on any posts involving Sharia Law. I don't want to have anything cut off as a punishment.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my own dream to get back to. It's nothing like Paul's - this one features Christy...
that they have been making me work
for a living around here and I've
not had a lot of forum time, when
Paul took off his pants I could
no longer stand by and merely
be an observer (peeker), I had
to jump into the throngs of the
living plus I had to find out if
all of those ladies room messages
about Paul were true but my decision
is getting lost in the minutia of
the saga.
"wears the pants in the family"
"keep your pants on"
"hey fancy pants"
Dave Letterman's production company is called "World Wide Pants Inc".
Someone needs to keep the story going and more importantly, get Frank's pants back on him.
After 30 minutes of being poked with a ruler by unpaid interns, Paul slowly begins to stir, moaning softly.
"Quick! He's moving! Someone gets some help!" yells one of the interns.
"Who should I talk to? I have only been here one week." replies the other intern.
"Me too." says the first intern. "Hey, check this out! I totally caught that guy with no pants on my cell phone video camera."
"Serious?" replies the other intern, "Dude, you MUST post that on YouTube!"
"We'll be famous! Come on, lets go!" Both interns turn and scamper back to their cubicles.
Meanwhile, a small group of office staff have gathered to form a crisis committee.
"Should we wake up Ray" asks HRQ.
"No, he'll just be grouchy." says Jtrbug, opening a third box of CrackerJacks.
Before the crisis committee could come to any kind of plan of action, ACU Frank had completed a lap around the entire office. Grunting and snorting like a wild animal, Frank ran up and down the office halls jumping on desks, spilling coffee cups, and knocking over computer monitors.
"Look, he is heading back to the lunch room!" yelled Larry.
ACU Frank, liberated from both his pants and any apparent influence of civilization, bounded on all fours into the employee lunchroom and began pawing the vending machines, vainly attempting to reach the snacks and pop behind the glass.
"Quick, shut the door and lock him in!" screamed HRQ.
HRQ, Larry, and Jtrbug simultaneously ran to the lunch room and shut the door. Before ACU Frank could open the door, they pushed both a desk and a filing cabinet up against the lunchroom door to barricade the wildly thrashing Frank inside.
to be continued...
"Interns, guard the door." HRQ stated firmly. "Do NOT move from your posts or disciplinary action will result, up to and including being sent in there with ACU Frank. I'm NOT messing around with you people."
"Sheesh," she continued, "you have to tell these guys to do EVERYTHING. Can't anybody take action without being told first? You know, I have a mind to..."
"Want some Twinkies?" interrupted jtrbug. "I found them in Paul's backpack. They're only a little bit dented from the interns poking him with the ruler."
"Nah, let's head to happy hour. Paul's semi-conscious, Ray's asleep, and ACU Frank will never bust through that flimsy hollow core door. That puts ME in charge! Woohoo!"
And with that, HRQ, jtrbug and Larry piled into the car and screeched out of the partking lot, leaving nothing but skid marks and smoke in their wake.
to be continued...
and thus the only one actually
leaving the skid marks!
I was going to have ACU Frank file a grievance with his union and the end result was that Ray was woken up in time to issue a "PANTS OPTIONAL FRIDAYS" ruling to satisfy the union.
Regardless, both Frank and I would be sent to sensitivity training.
Meanwhile, the "crazy office guy without pants" video skyrockets to the top of YouTube resulting in "unpaidinternguy07" becoming a brief minor celebrity.
Eventually the intern was found to have violated the corporate blogging policy and was dismissed.
By the way, I noticed that there have been something like 2,831 views of this thread. If you figure each view was approx. 3 minutes long, that calculates to almost 18 work days that have been totally wasted on this thread.
You know, Paul, if you already KNEW how you wanted the story to continue, you could have just typed it that way. Instead, you left it open, and I ran with it.
We can't let it end this way. What happens to you? Do you ever fully regain consciousness? Will Ray ever wake up? What will ever become of "Pantsless Frank?" How long can he survive on lunchroom coffee and Skittles from the snack machine? So many questions left unanswered.
Find out next week, on "As the Forum turns...."