What Shaped Your Attitudes?
Parabeagle
3,085 Posts
Some of the more thought-provoking postings in People Over 30 made me think - which in turn gave me a headache, so thought I would take a moment out of my busy schedule to ask a question: Assuming that we are all open-minded, nonjudgmental, evaluative, thoughtful HR people, what was it that made you that way? Was it environmental? Cultural? Your parents? Society as a whole? Just curious. Inquiring minds want to know. In my case, it was definitely societal -- if I adopted my father's attitudes and prejudices I DEFINITELY would not be in HR!
Comments
My mother was responsible for at least making me aware of the concept of tolerance. The 50s and 60s predated the concept of equality among different minority groups. We were never permitted to use any kind of ethnic or racial slur. It wasn’t worth the pain.
Education by the nuns taught me that authoritarianism was an extreme form of personality defect. I resented not their authority, but the severe form of exercising it that was debasing and humiliating. Not all nuns were like this, but enough were to make an impression.
I don’t think HR people are born – they are the sum of their experiences and their interpretations of them.
Anne in Ohio
I went to live with my dad at age 10. He has definite prejudices (though he doesn't think so). He campaigned for George Wallace for president because his platform was to stop bussing. I only tried one time to express an opinion about it. All I got out was a shocked face before I was told to shut up since I didn't know what I was talking about.
I think this mixture between my parents helped, but I think the real influance was the social upheaval in the late 60's. Tolerance was preached everywhere you went, and I drank it up like a sponge. I am always amazed when someone of my own age says something narrow minded. I guess I believed in what was being said, while some just believed in being able to say it.
That being said, I have discovered quite accidentally an occasional close-mindedness in myself which I abhor. I don't mind being a prude, but being unable to do something or contemplate something yourself is not the same thing as looking down your nose at someone else. I am working on it though. Also working on trying not to be so long-winded! Sorry! x:'(
I also love learning. Whatever it was I wanted to know as much as I could. Now if I'm listening to something, I like to know as much as possible before I make a decision.
To answer your question, I think my attitude was already in me, but it took the nurturing of my parents and family to make it stronger.
I used to be a sociology major and one of the most asked questions was the whole Nature vs. Nurture debate. I think it's a combo of both.
I have always been a kind of a maverick in my family. I was the only one born outside of South Carolina (I am a "ferrniner"). I remember as a kid in the segregated South where doctors' offices had a waiting room for whites and one for "coloreds". I remember asking my mother "Why is that?" and "Does their waiting room look different than ours". I remember peeking around the corner to look. I also remember the separate drinking fountains and the separate restrooms.
I also caused quite a stir in our totally white Southern Baptist church when I got married the first time. I invited a black friend to my wedding and it was quite a site to see her come in dressed to the nines in her black dress and mink jacket! The look on people's faces was also priceless.
I am sure I have given my parents many jolts and wondering "Who the hell is this person and where did she come from?"
I guess I've just always had a compassionate nature and tried to put myself in others' shoes, wondering how I would feel being treated a certain way.
My grandmother is my Guardian Angel and I feel her presence to this day!
My parents divorced and I learned early on that sacrifices were a part of life...new clothes are nice but food is better.
I went to a very strict high school and learned that sometimes you just have to accept authority no matter what you really think and that one must always plan for the future- they had us thinking about college at 12 years old (my high school started in 7th grade.)
My father died when I was 16, he was 36, after a long ugly battle with cancer. That taught me that life is just not fair but its the only one we have so you can either make the best of it or decide to give up. Surviving his death has made me the strong woman I am today. If I get married I will walk down the aisle by myself, not to exaggerate the fact that my father is dead, but as a tribute to him; he has a daughter who is a surviver and can stand on her own two feet.
How about all the above? Very good question, Parabeagle - a nice change of pace from some of the silliness lately.
Maybe, one more reason could be added to the mix. "Doing the right thing".
When I went away to college, my mother looked me square in the eye and warned me not to date any black girls. And don't bring any home if I do. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "Now mother...". So, my parents, even though their basic value systems were the same, had different ideas. Growing up in the 60's, race was a major issue. And I laughed at my mother's comments, but I also made up my mind that I did not want that attitude to be a part of me. I perceived my mother's comment as not "doing the right thing". I had no desire to date a non-white girl, but I perceived that attitude as being judgmental and closeminded. That was not what I wanted to be.
So, again, being a child of the 60's society had a great infulence on me, my parents were in a transition period and I chose to assimilate what I saw as the best of their ideas, and my workplace environment shaped me into who I am today.
2) My maternal grandmother would rock us for hours in a huge swing suspended from chains on the front porch near the highway. She always would pat my leg in rhythm to something going through her head. I can remember this from age 4. She taught me that ability to sit still and think peaceful thoughts and rock and things would pass, and you could learn to enjoy even busses and old trucks going by.
3) My brother was a straight A student who never in his life did a single thing wrong in the eyes of my parents. I was precisely the opposite. He taught me the need to scrap for everything I got and the necessity for struggling to climb to where I wanted to be later in life. It didn't come natural for me like it did for him. His math skills no longer get him where he wants to be in life. My scrapping skills do.
4) An injured freezing German Shepherd in the snow taught me the value of life. I sat with him for a couple of hours in the snow and finally got him up and took him to my house. I was 14. I figured I could wait a while to enjoy the warmth of our house but he had no choice. That taught me the beauty of delayed gratification and the peace of sacrifice.
5) A friend of mine in high school taught me to never trust a dentist who does not wear rubber gloves. My friend, while working a math problem at the chalk board, urinated in the chalk trough that runs the length of the board. Many people were standing at the board working problems so nobody actually could see him. He later became a pediatric orthodontist so now I always remember that when I think about him putting his hands in people's mouths.
6) The Forum, especially Margaret's counseling, taught me that we often can't gauge the person's tone when reading what they say. She told me a year ago that I sounded mad or gruff and should use emoticons. I started using them because I am really a pushover and a teddy bear and not Andy Rooney at all and I realized then that people think me otherwise, when I'm not. As many of you have said on the Forum, this is so true about people we don't know and trying to read something into what they say. x:-)
Steve McElfresh and Gillian taught me the value of people from the left coast and I am becoming more accepting as we speak. They are the most intuitive people I've ever 'met'.
Although I never believed it before, Parabeagle has taught me that people really can actually change. He used to be a really aggravating, terse pest. But the Forum caused a catharsis and now he is a calm, funny, amiable, talented, energetic warm and fuzzy guy. He puts everyone at ease and therefore would be the perfect funeral director.
>people really can actually change. He used to be a really aggravating,
>terse pest. But the Forum caused a catharsis and now he is a calm,
>funny, amiable, talented, energetic warm and fuzzy guy. He puts
>everyone at ease and therefore would be the perfect funeral director.
Why, thank you, Don. x:-) Are you feeling allright?
Actually, I'm still an aggravating, terse pest. Yesterday was just a particularly good Valium day -- I think I inadvertently doubled my dose. x;-) I'll be back to my old self soon, I'm sure.
My mother is also the most patient person alive, and that role model has been a great influence on how I handle most of life's surprises.
My mom was a true gypsy-flower child born too early. She took up any and every cause and encouraged us kids to root for the underdog. Unfortunately, my mom never took up the cause of quitting smoking and as she got older, her COPD turned her into a grouchy, self centered, and needy person. This helped me to listen more than talk, and to try to put myself in other people's situations before I said or did something hurtful.
My just-older brother became a biker and taught me that you truly can't judge a book by the cover as he was a thoughtful, intelligent and kind man - just with a lot of tattos and a very loud Hawg. He also taught me grace - as he died at the age of 34, leaving behind the woman who was his soul mate and an 18 month old little girl with his eyes. He didn't want to die so young, but he accepted it and showed the true spirit (or grace) that he had inside.
Can I say one more thing? I grew up in a household that was very tense as my parents fought often. Holidays were to get through. I promised myself that my children would not grow up in that environment; that they would be happy, that their freinds were always welcome, and that they could talk to me or come to me for help whenever they wanted or needed. So far, so good, I think.
and my grandparents ran a bakery shop in Manila. I lived with them the first eight years of my life - always got good toys, good clothes and plenty of good bread! Even now, I still like those things very much.
Chari
Like others, I believe it is the culmination of experiences but
My Dad who taught all the value of service, faith, family and integrity and ultimately how to die with dignity. .or at least give it your damnest. Also to never give up.
At a very young age (we are talking late 50's) my oldest brothers best friend was Black..they were co-captains of the football team. At the line of scrimage, someone from the other team used the n word and my brother stood up and slugged him. .I didn't understand what happened (not knowing about the name calling) so I asked him why, he said, well it was the right thing to do at the time.
That same brother's death when I was 14 and he was 25 in that little conflict in Southeast Asia certainly was the beginning of installing my attitude that life is way, way WAY to short to be mean, miserable or not appreciate every minute of every day and every person you come across.
Spending 20+ years working with people with mental health and/or development disabilties and watching my other brother struggle with addictions resulted in an attitude the prohibits me from ever feeling sorry for myself as so many others have larger mountains to climb.
Guess those are the big things I can think of. .but geez there are so many experiences and people along the way. .even this forum.. that influence us.
Just re read this and it sounds way too serious so before I get teary again will continue to plan our night of steaks on the grill, a few STRONG drinks..need them after this week on the Forum. .and watching the Jags beat Miami tonight (it is also part of my attitude to think positive regardless of the odds) Have a good weekend one and all.
So, I grew up a bit needy, little confidence, low self esteem, impatient. Surprisingly what snapped me out of it was my divorce - when my ex moved to California the day after it was final leaving me with three boys. Time to grow up, open your eyes and move forward...finally at age 35! Four years later, I had gone to school, finished up my degree, and started into HR. If I gone into it earlier, I would have failed.
I, too, had a lot of great influence from people in my past. I was raised in a home without prejudice, and in a town so small there wasn't any separation between races. I had some half-siblings, but I was a teenager before I understood just what that meant because our parents never differentiated between us. One grandparent lived with us, and the other two lived next door. My three halves were older, and I was the oldest at home. The second child was born disabled, and I was the caretaker. My dad was a chauvinist (girls don't do yard work--I should have listened), and my mom was totally dependent on him. She raised me to be totally independent, responsible, and free-thinking (ok--opinionated).
These factors helped to shape my attitude and to become the person I am today--so very co-dependent. You know, responsible for everyone else's circumstances, their feelings, their moods, etc. OK, I'm a little too serious about my job sometimes. Isn't that what the heart of HR is, identifying with the other person's needs and providing if we can?
Circumstances, society, culture, education, therapy, all combined to make me a more qualified HR person. Especially the therapy.
Thanks to all of you for helping me every day.
Ray's post reminded me of my grandmother who passed away at 94 last October. She got married in the 20's, had two children, and tried to do everything that she was brought up to do. Unfortunately, she did not pick a good man to marry. My grandfather had a serious gambling problem so they never really had anything (except he always had a new car). He even brought his women home on occasion. When the IRS caught up with him, she said, "That's it!" and went and got herself a job. He left her as no wife of his was going to work. It was the best thing she every did.
Nevertheless, when he had a stroke in 1960 she took him in. It always amazed me when she told the story. She didn't do it for love of him, but for love of my dad who had a need to care for my grandfather, but didn't know how. She still kept her job, but she also came home and made sure he was bathed, fed, and comfortable. Eventually he decided she wasn't doing enough for him and went to his sister's where he died. I asked her once why she did it, and she said, "Well. Someone had to do it." This is just one example of how she just looked at things and asked herself what was the right thing to do. Easy or hard, that's what she did. She never gave up, never talked bad about people, and always chose to do the right thing. A really good role model. I miss her.
1. The death of my father when I was six.
2. My mother - a drunk.
3. My step-father - my own personal hero.
4. His death.
5. The military.
6. Living outside the country for three years.
7. My divorce.
8. Living, breathing, working single mom trying to explain the world to a nine year old.
Most recently, this forum has taught me - or better yet, reminded me of a few other lessons as well:
1. As reasonable as I think I am, not everyone else agrees, and that's okay.
2. If you post, you must accept that you may be setting yourself up for misunderstandings.
3. The value of the private email function of the forum (which I plan to use in the future if I take offense to what someone else has posted and give them an opportunity to respond before posting my response to them on the public forum).
4. Finally, the warmth of several of the people on the forum. I don't feel so alone any more. x:-)
These are the things that shaped me both positive and negative. These are truths without filters and the fact that we can share these memories helps us all relate better to people in general.
We were the only white kids in an all-black school. We said we were from LA, which is really "Lower Akron." Moved to an all-white area and had trouble coping with affluent kids who always made the honor roll.
Our parents stayed married for a lifetime - learned what "committment" meant.
I Got married young. Had 4 kids young. Learned a lot about unconditional love.
Husband drank a lot of alcohol. He was killed in an accident. Thought a lot about eternity, infinity, and blame.
Started college at age 30 and graduated at age 47. Learned perseverance.
I have a deep inner peace and am happy. This is not a sad story - "Life's been good to me so far!" (Joe Walsh).
Our experiences are stored in background memory. They form us into strong and compassionate people who (for the most part) do not judge. That's how we evolved into HR people.
"Sam"
So Chic, I hestitated to respond at first because I wasn't quite sure how to take your post, but obviously others had the same impression I had. It's all about life, maturing, and then doing something positive using your new-found knowledge and insights.