What Shaped Your Attitudes?

Some of the more thought-provoking postings in People Over 30 made me think - which in turn gave me a headache, so thought I would take a moment out of my busy schedule to ask a question: Assuming that we are all open-minded, nonjudgmental, evaluative, thoughtful HR people, what was it that made you that way? Was it environmental? Cultural? Your parents? Society as a whole? Just curious. Inquiring minds want to know. In my case, it was definitely societal -- if I adopted my father's attitudes and prejudices I DEFINITELY would not be in HR!
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  • The culture I was raised in definitely influenced the way I think, feel and act. Growing up in a family with six brothers and two sisters teaches basic peacekeeping skills. It also fosters a sense of fairness – finding the balance when two brothers put you in the middle of their fight and expect you to choose one side or the other. To me, the two sides were one brother gloating with satisfaction and the other trying to knock my block off.

    My mother was responsible for at least making me aware of the concept of tolerance. The 50s and 60s predated the concept of equality among different minority groups. We were never permitted to use any kind of ethnic or racial slur. It wasn’t worth the pain.

    Education by the nuns taught me that authoritarianism was an extreme form of personality defect. I resented not their authority, but the severe form of exercising it that was debasing and humiliating. Not all nuns were like this, but enough were to make an impression.

    I don’t think HR people are born – they are the sum of their experiences and their interpretations of them.


    Anne in Ohio
  • Until I was 10, I lived with my mother. We moved around the country quite a bit and I met a lot of different people. Still, at that time people of different colors stayed with thier own colors. We were white so we stayed with white. I remember doing a rhyme that had a nasty name in it. When my mom heard it she laid down the law and we stopped using it (early 60's).

    I went to live with my dad at age 10. He has definite prejudices (though he doesn't think so). He campaigned for George Wallace for president because his platform was to stop bussing. I only tried one time to express an opinion about it. All I got out was a shocked face before I was told to shut up since I didn't know what I was talking about.

    I think this mixture between my parents helped, but I think the real influance was the social upheaval in the late 60's. Tolerance was preached everywhere you went, and I drank it up like a sponge. I am always amazed when someone of my own age says something narrow minded. I guess I believed in what was being said, while some just believed in being able to say it.

    That being said, I have discovered quite accidentally an occasional close-mindedness in myself which I abhor. I don't mind being a prude, but being unable to do something or contemplate something yourself is not the same thing as looking down your nose at someone else. I am working on it though. Also working on trying not to be so long-winded! Sorry! x:'(
  • I've always loved listening. As a kid I'd play with other kids most of the time, but sometimes I'd just like to listen to my grandparents talk with their friends and I'd sit quietly and learn from them. I was around 5 or 6 and I'd be sitting in a room full of people in their 60's and just listening to them talk. That grew to me becoming a great listener at work. People know that they can come to me and I will hear them out.
    I also love learning. Whatever it was I wanted to know as much as I could. Now if I'm listening to something, I like to know as much as possible before I make a decision.
    To answer your question, I think my attitude was already in me, but it took the nurturing of my parents and family to make it stronger.
    I used to be a sociology major and one of the most asked questions was the whole Nature vs. Nurture debate. I think it's a combo of both.
  • I believe my grandmother shaped my attitudes more than anything. My grandparents lived in a small house in back of our property, so I had a lot of contact with her in my life. She was a very nurturing and giving individual. She died much too young when I was six, but I can still remember the patterns in outfits that she made me and how how the foods she cooked looked (homemade biscuits with molasses and made from scratch lemon meringue pie!). I was also standing by her bed when she passed away which had a profound affect on me. She left me a legacy of a great respect for all living things, animals, and plants and to be tolerant of people.

    I have always been a kind of a maverick in my family. I was the only one born outside of South Carolina (I am a "ferrniner"). I remember as a kid in the segregated South where doctors' offices had a waiting room for whites and one for "coloreds". I remember asking my mother "Why is that?" and "Does their waiting room look different than ours". I remember peeking around the corner to look. I also remember the separate drinking fountains and the separate restrooms.

    I also caused quite a stir in our totally white Southern Baptist church when I got married the first time. I invited a black friend to my wedding and it was quite a site to see her come in dressed to the nines in her black dress and mink jacket! The look on people's faces was also priceless.

    I am sure I have given my parents many jolts and wondering "Who the hell is this person and where did she come from?"

    I guess I've just always had a compassionate nature and tried to put myself in others' shoes, wondering how I would feel being treated a certain way.

    My grandmother is my Guardian Angel and I feel her presence to this day!
  • I am a first generation American and spending so much time with my grandparents has given me a perspective that is sometimes quite different than that of your typical American. I am very close to my Nana and I have come to appreciate the struggles she had in Sicily and those she faced here in the U.S. as well.

    My parents divorced and I learned early on that sacrifices were a part of life...new clothes are nice but food is better.

    I went to a very strict high school and learned that sometimes you just have to accept authority no matter what you really think and that one must always plan for the future- they had us thinking about college at 12 years old (my high school started in 7th grade.)

    My father died when I was 16, he was 36, after a long ugly battle with cancer. That taught me that life is just not fair but its the only one we have so you can either make the best of it or decide to give up. Surviving his death has made me the strong woman I am today. If I get married I will walk down the aisle by myself, not to exaggerate the fact that my father is dead, but as a tribute to him; he has a daughter who is a surviver and can stand on her own two feet.
  • "environmental? Cultural? Your parents? Society as a whole? "

    How about all the above? Very good question, Parabeagle - a nice change of pace from some of the silliness lately.

    Maybe, one more reason could be added to the mix. "Doing the right thing".

    When I went away to college, my mother looked me square in the eye and warned me not to date any black girls. And don't bring any home if I do. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "Now mother...". So, my parents, even though their basic value systems were the same, had different ideas. Growing up in the 60's, race was a major issue. And I laughed at my mother's comments, but I also made up my mind that I did not want that attitude to be a part of me. I perceived my mother's comment as not "doing the right thing". I had no desire to date a non-white girl, but I perceived that attitude as being judgmental and closeminded. That was not what I wanted to be.

    So, again, being a child of the 60's society had a great infulence on me, my parents were in a transition period and I chose to assimilate what I saw as the best of their ideas, and my workplace environment shaped me into who I am today.


  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 08-15-03 AT 11:44AM (CST)[/font][p]1) My 5th grade principal that beat me half to death with a paddle had the most impact on my becoming a protector of the underdog. To this day I will stop in the middle of a highway to pick up a stray dog. To this day I will be there at the drop of a hat to rescue my adult children from an oppressive adult.

    2) My maternal grandmother would rock us for hours in a huge swing suspended from chains on the front porch near the highway. She always would pat my leg in rhythm to something going through her head. I can remember this from age 4. She taught me that ability to sit still and think peaceful thoughts and rock and things would pass, and you could learn to enjoy even busses and old trucks going by.

    3) My brother was a straight A student who never in his life did a single thing wrong in the eyes of my parents. I was precisely the opposite. He taught me the need to scrap for everything I got and the necessity for struggling to climb to where I wanted to be later in life. It didn't come natural for me like it did for him. His math skills no longer get him where he wants to be in life. My scrapping skills do.

    4) An injured freezing German Shepherd in the snow taught me the value of life. I sat with him for a couple of hours in the snow and finally got him up and took him to my house. I was 14. I figured I could wait a while to enjoy the warmth of our house but he had no choice. That taught me the beauty of delayed gratification and the peace of sacrifice.

    5) A friend of mine in high school taught me to never trust a dentist who does not wear rubber gloves. My friend, while working a math problem at the chalk board, urinated in the chalk trough that runs the length of the board. Many people were standing at the board working problems so nobody actually could see him. He later became a pediatric orthodontist so now I always remember that when I think about him putting his hands in people's mouths.

    6) The Forum, especially Margaret's counseling, taught me that we often can't gauge the person's tone when reading what they say. She told me a year ago that I sounded mad or gruff and should use emoticons. I started using them because I am really a pushover and a teddy bear and not Andy Rooney at all and I realized then that people think me otherwise, when I'm not. As many of you have said on the Forum, this is so true about people we don't know and trying to read something into what they say. x:-)

    Steve McElfresh and Gillian taught me the value of people from the left coast and I am becoming more accepting as we speak. They are the most intuitive people I've ever 'met'.

    Although I never believed it before, Parabeagle has taught me that people really can actually change. He used to be a really aggravating, terse pest. But the Forum caused a catharsis and now he is a calm, funny, amiable, talented, energetic warm and fuzzy guy. He puts everyone at ease and therefore would be the perfect funeral director.


  • >Although I never believed it before, Parabeagle has taught me that
    >people really can actually change. He used to be a really aggravating,
    >terse pest. But the Forum caused a catharsis and now he is a calm,
    >funny, amiable, talented, energetic warm and fuzzy guy. He puts
    >everyone at ease and therefore would be the perfect funeral director.

    Why, thank you, Don. x:-) Are you feeling allright?

    Actually, I'm still an aggravating, terse pest. Yesterday was just a particularly good Valium day -- I think I inadvertently doubled my dose. x;-) I'll be back to my old self soon, I'm sure.



  • Great responses! Thank you all, I feel as though I know each of you a little better. x:-)
  • I think my attitude has come from my work and life experiences. My first real job was Secretary for the Director of Public Works in my hometown. Nothing like taking calls from people whose taxes pay your salary to teach you to be patient. Then I got married and stayed home with babies, and when I went back to work it was for a law office / case management agency. The case management agency helped children and adults diagnosed as children with developmental and mental health disabilities. I learned more in that agency about dealing with people than I ever could have thought possible. After a few years my husband was transferred to another city and I worked for a Family Law attorney. The mental health issues were very helpful there - I was nicknamed Miss Mental Health because I could calm even the most frazzled divorcee. My husband was transferred again, and I landed in Human Resources. I feel it was all leading up to this role, and that I've finally found "what I want to do when I grow up."

    My mother is also the most patient person alive, and that role model has been a great influence on how I handle most of life's surprises.
  • My biggest influences were my mother and one of my teachers. I remember one time while visiting my grandparents my grandfather describe African Americans in a negative way. My mother scolded him and told him that she was not raising her children around ignorance. My mother always stood up for what she believed was right. As a child I was very shy until fourth grade at that time I had the best teacher who used to engage and encourage all of her students. She made learning fun and celebrated every students accomplishments.
  • In my household that I grew up - my dad didn't care what color or nationality you were - as long as you worked a day's labor for a day's wages, were honest, and had pride in yourself.

    My mom was a true gypsy-flower child born too early. She took up any and every cause and encouraged us kids to root for the underdog. Unfortunately, my mom never took up the cause of quitting smoking and as she got older, her COPD turned her into a grouchy, self centered, and needy person. This helped me to listen more than talk, and to try to put myself in other people's situations before I said or did something hurtful.

    My just-older brother became a biker and taught me that you truly can't judge a book by the cover as he was a thoughtful, intelligent and kind man - just with a lot of tattos and a very loud Hawg. He also taught me grace - as he died at the age of 34, leaving behind the woman who was his soul mate and an 18 month old little girl with his eyes. He didn't want to die so young, but he accepted it and showed the true spirit (or grace) that he had inside.



  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 08-15-03 AT 01:31PM (CST)[/font][p]My parents must have taught me good morals by example; they worked hard, never lied, cheated, or stole, were nice to others, etc. I went to schools that 99% of the kids were White,(as am I), so although not prejudice, had not been around a lot of people of a different race. Well off to college I went and my first roommate was African American. That was good for me. We became very close and I have never had such a connection with someone. She and I knew what the other was going to say before we said it. It was really quite amazing. I dated a guy of mixed race, Japanese and White,at the same time, so being with both of them the majority of time, associated with people of all races. I went into teaching and when I did my student teaching, White children were the minority. I also went on to teach in schools where non-Whites were the majority. I loved all my kids the same. I apologize to anyone this offends... I went to college during a time when Iranians were burning our flag - even though we were subsidizing their education. I have VERY strong beliefs about anyone who comes in to our country who causes problems, takes advantage of our system, or is not productive. I have strong beliefs about how a lot of the Mid-Eastern countries think about and treat women. Now what I'm getting to is this. On my daughter's softball team this year, one of the parents is Iranian. He really went through a lot of suffering when his family moved to the US when he was a child - as you can imagine - probably a lot of people felt as I did. I like him a lot. He is a good guy and his kids are great. (He married a White woman; she's great too!). This was a good lesson for me; they're are good and bad in all races, (not that I didn't know that already), but I had never associated with someone from the Mid-East. I will always disagree with some of the customs there and I will always hate when anyone mistreats somone just because she was born female, but meeting this man was a good learning experience.

    Can I say one more thing? I grew up in a household that was very tense as my parents fought often. Holidays were to get through. I promised myself that my children would not grow up in that environment; that they would be happy, that their freinds were always welcome, and that they could talk to me or come to me for help whenever they wanted or needed. So far, so good, I think.
  • My grandparents shaped my attitudes the most. It was after the war,
    and my grandparents ran a bakery shop in Manila. I lived with them the first eight years of my life - always got good toys, good clothes and plenty of good bread! Even now, I still like those things very much.

    Chari
  • Between this and the over 30 thread I am feeling very nostalgic.I don't have many claims to fame, but one is that I have been part of this forum longer than 95% of you. In all that time, only these 2 threads have brought a tear to my eye. I am pretty private, but the rest of you have been so open about sharing, I will give it a try:

    Like others, I believe it is the culmination of experiences but

    My Dad who taught all the value of service, faith, family and integrity and ultimately how to die with dignity. .or at least give it your damnest. Also to never give up.

    At a very young age (we are talking late 50's) my oldest brothers best friend was Black..they were co-captains of the football team. At the line of scrimage, someone from the other team used the n word and my brother stood up and slugged him. .I didn't understand what happened (not knowing about the name calling) so I asked him why, he said, well it was the right thing to do at the time.

    That same brother's death when I was 14 and he was 25 in that little conflict in Southeast Asia certainly was the beginning of installing my attitude that life is way, way WAY to short to be mean, miserable or not appreciate every minute of every day and every person you come across.

    Spending 20+ years working with people with mental health and/or development disabilties and watching my other brother struggle with addictions resulted in an attitude the prohibits me from ever feeling sorry for myself as so many others have larger mountains to climb.

    Guess those are the big things I can think of. .but geez there are so many experiences and people along the way. .even this forum.. that influence us.

    Just re read this and it sounds way too serious so before I get teary again will continue to plan our night of steaks on the grill, a few STRONG drinks..need them after this week on the Forum. .and watching the Jags beat Miami tonight (it is also part of my attitude to think positive regardless of the odds) Have a good weekend one and all.
  • While reading Sonny's post another thought ocurred to me. One common denominator has been being positive. Even though we have had trials, we have come out better people for it and has led us to where we are now. Reading of positive role models from the ranks of our relatives, reminded me of my grandmother. For as long as I can remember she used crutches to get around. Little by little the doctors removed toes then parts of her feet to get rid of gangrene and infection. Don't remember the disease she had, but she had open sores on her feet for 50 years, but was the most positive person I knew as a kid. Everyday, my step grandfather would change her bandages and I never heard a complaint from either one. They were no doubt positive role models for me. Anytime I have felt sorry for myself because of some slight or pain or problem of any kind, I think of what my grandmother went through and realize my problems are mild compared to what she lived with. I can cope.
  • It was great to read all of these postings. I think we are ALL really good people.


  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 08-15-03 AT 03:20PM (CST)[/font][p]Until I was 13 I lived in a small town northeast of Chicago, so we had the best of both worlds, country life with city grandure. The oldest of five, my only brother went off to Colorado for college in '67, promptly became a hippie, and would-be draft dodger if he hadn't turned up 4F. My WWII vet father disowned him - my mother tried to figure him out. My father was prejudiced - we just didn't know it until '68 when we moved to Arizona and the four girls were told on no uncertain terms that Mexican boyfriends would not be allowed. Made no sense. Needless to say he was, and quite frankly still is to this day, a very distant man.

    So, I grew up a bit needy, little confidence, low self esteem, impatient. Surprisingly what snapped me out of it was my divorce - when my ex moved to California the day after it was final leaving me with three boys. Time to grow up, open your eyes and move forward...finally at age 35! Four years later, I had gone to school, finished up my degree, and started into HR. If I gone into it earlier, I would have failed.
  • WOW! What a thread. OK, I've been eavesdropping on y'all for a couple of months now, feel like you are all old friends, but this is my first time to reply. This subject has opened a lot of memories, made me appreciate things not previously thought of, and brought other issues to the forefront of my mind.

    I, too, had a lot of great influence from people in my past. I was raised in a home without prejudice, and in a town so small there wasn't any separation between races. I had some half-siblings, but I was a teenager before I understood just what that meant because our parents never differentiated between us. One grandparent lived with us, and the other two lived next door. My three halves were older, and I was the oldest at home. The second child was born disabled, and I was the caretaker. My dad was a chauvinist (girls don't do yard work--I should have listened), and my mom was totally dependent on him. She raised me to be totally independent, responsible, and free-thinking (ok--opinionated).

    These factors helped to shape my attitude and to become the person I am today--so very co-dependent. You know, responsible for everyone else's circumstances, their feelings, their moods, etc. OK, I'm a little too serious about my job sometimes. Isn't that what the heart of HR is, identifying with the other person's needs and providing if we can?

    Circumstances, society, culture, education, therapy, all combined to make me a more qualified HR person. Especially the therapy.

    Thanks to all of you for helping me every day.
  • Oh no... another opinionated female. Welcome, Sonshine.
  • Ray, do you EVER learn? You're starting in already! x:o
  • I think Ray is right. A lot of positive energy and focus coming from negative circumstances, but also a few strong positive people, has helped shaped our lives

    Ray's post reminded me of my grandmother who passed away at 94 last October. She got married in the 20's, had two children, and tried to do everything that she was brought up to do. Unfortunately, she did not pick a good man to marry. My grandfather had a serious gambling problem so they never really had anything (except he always had a new car). He even brought his women home on occasion. When the IRS caught up with him, she said, "That's it!" and went and got herself a job. He left her as no wife of his was going to work. It was the best thing she every did.

    Nevertheless, when he had a stroke in 1960 she took him in. It always amazed me when she told the story. She didn't do it for love of him, but for love of my dad who had a need to care for my grandfather, but didn't know how. She still kept her job, but she also came home and made sure he was bathed, fed, and comfortable. Eventually he decided she wasn't doing enough for him and went to his sister's where he died. I asked her once why she did it, and she said, "Well. Someone had to do it." This is just one example of how she just looked at things and asked herself what was the right thing to do. Easy or hard, that's what she did. She never gave up, never talked bad about people, and always chose to do the right thing. A really good role model. I miss her.
  • I guess it's my turn. Puss's post has opened up some old wounds and some good memories. When I started school, I did not know a word of English. My parents only spoke Polish. Looking back I guess that's where my independence and determination (some call it stubborness x:P) come from. Having no siblings, I made friends and learned to relate to different people. Growing up in NJ instilled in me the "street knowledge" that I use till this day. It gave me my Jersey girl attitude. You have to try, do, think, feel, laugh and cry to live life. I believe that one is shaped more by their exposure to life's encounters than their genes. Aren't you sorry you asked, Puss?
  • What has shaped my viewpoints/beliefs?

    1. The death of my father when I was six.
    2. My mother - a drunk.
    3. My step-father - my own personal hero.
    4. His death.
    5. The military.
    6. Living outside the country for three years.
    7. My divorce.
    8. Living, breathing, working single mom trying to explain the world to a nine year old.

    Most recently, this forum has taught me - or better yet, reminded me of a few other lessons as well:

    1. As reasonable as I think I am, not everyone else agrees, and that's okay.
    2. If you post, you must accept that you may be setting yourself up for misunderstandings.
    3. The value of the private email function of the forum (which I plan to use in the future if I take offense to what someone else has posted and give them an opportunity to respond before posting my response to them on the public forum).
    4. Finally, the warmth of several of the people on the forum. I don't feel so alone any more. x:-)

  • Boy! Talk about attitudes. This is my first post. Most of you have mentioned very positive things about your life and how your attitude 'arrived'. Things like childhood influences and grandmothers and good teachers. The list about death, drunks, divorce and joining up in the army sounds almost like a Tammy Wynette song from the 60s. All we need is 'got rundover by a train'. I hope I see many more positive postings from HR staff who feel good about themselves. It will help me develop a more productive attitude in my career as I am young. Even for people with bad luck it is all about attitude and not letting it get you down. But some people like being down.
  • No offense, Chic, but you sound young. I haven't seen any posts here that indicate people like to be down or that were negative. MWild was sharing some real things in her life. Sometimes adversity can result in good things and positive attitudes. She was just answering the question. Lighten up.
  • I don't think anyone on the forum has described themseleves as liking being down. I was about to post my own story here which includes growing up overseas (positive), moving to the USA (massive culture shock), being unfamiliar with the US school system and skipping class so I could go to the library and read up on historical subjects and classic literature (I think that is positive) being sent to boarding school when I got caught (ugh)running away and living on the streets for a few years (horrible) and finally picking myself up by my bootstraps, getting my GED, going to college, and reconciling with my beloved, beleagured parents (YAY!)
    These are the things that shaped me both positive and negative. These are truths without filters and the fact that we can share these memories helps us all relate better to people in general.
  • I'm "number 2" of 6 (always hated being called #2!) Eight people with one TV and one bathroom. Learned how to be considerate and what's worth fighting for and what isn't.

    We were the only white kids in an all-black school. We said we were from LA, which is really "Lower Akron." Moved to an all-white area and had trouble coping with affluent kids who always made the honor roll.

    Our parents stayed married for a lifetime - learned what "committment" meant.

    I Got married young. Had 4 kids young. Learned a lot about unconditional love.

    Husband drank a lot of alcohol. He was killed in an accident. Thought a lot about eternity, infinity, and blame.

    Started college at age 30 and graduated at age 47. Learned perseverance.

    I have a deep inner peace and am happy. This is not a sad story - "Life's been good to me so far!" (Joe Walsh).

    Our experiences are stored in background memory. They form us into strong and compassionate people who (for the most part) do not judge. That's how we evolved into HR people.

    "Sam"
  • This has been one of the more interesting threads recently. I probably have learned more about some of you on this thread than all other threads combined. And, I see it as all good. Sure, we have had our share of troubles and trials - some much more than others. But, really all we are describing is LIFE. Life is not always fair, sometimes life can be very difficult. The common theme from most of these posts is strength through adversity. We have said that through our life experiences, we have come out stronger and become better people as a result, and have chosen to use that positive energy to help others.

    So Chic, I hestitated to respond at first because I wasn't quite sure how to take your post, but obviously others had the same impression I had. It's all about life, maturing, and then doing something positive using your new-found knowledge and insights.
  • Check out Chic home town. .maybe he was just passing thru
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