thanksgiving

It's Friday!

Ok, these are not great but they fit the occassion!

A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. “Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.” Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. “That was amazing”, exclaimed the coach “I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?” “Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey, “let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?!”
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Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q.Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A.Because they use such FOWL language!

Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
A: It simply wants to run away.

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kins.

Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
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As an early Christmas present, a man gets a talking parrot from his friend. He takes the parrot home and puts it in his living room.

But every time the man goes near the living room, he hears the parrot shouting insults at him. In desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.

After a few minutes, the insults stop. Thinking he might have killed the parrot, he takes it out of the freezer. The parrot is still alive, but it is shivering.

It stammers, "I'm s-sorry for b-b-being s-so rude. P-p-please forgive m-me."

So the man forgives him. After a while the parrot asks, "What exactly did the turkey do?"
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A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
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It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
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A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together,climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy as he ducked.
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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the
darn thing!"
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
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When I was a young turkey, new to the coop...
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop...
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow...
And he told me there was something I had to know...
His look and his tone I will always remember...
When he told me of the horrors of, Black November...
Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three...
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin...
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin...
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed...
It'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink...
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink...
And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing...
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing...
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat...
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat...
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked...
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked...
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola...
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes...
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes...
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half...
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed...
But it was I who was laughing, under my breath...
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death...
And sure enough when Black November rolled around...
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound...
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap...
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming...
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."


Have a great Thanksgiving!

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