Lawyer Jokes

NaeNae55NaeNae55 3,243 Posts
edited November 2015 in HR Water Cooler Vote Up0Vote Down
It's FRIDAY!!!

Max was caught red handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial.
“How do you plead? asked the judge.
“Your honor,” answered Max, “before I plead guilty or not guilty I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”
“Max you were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?”
That’s exactly my point, your honor,” said Max. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!"

A doctor and a lawyer were both at a reception. The lawyer noticed that people were constantly coming over to the doctor. “Why are so many people coming over to you?” asked the lawyer. “It’s terrible,” sighed the doctor, “ever since I became a doctor I don’t have a moments peace, people are constantly coming over to me for medical advice.” “I’ll tell you what I do,” said the lawyer with a sneer , “I send them a bill in the mail.” The doctor agreed with the lawyer that this was a good solution. The next day upon mailing the bills he was surprised to see a letter from the lawyer, he was even more surprised when he opened it………….it was a bill!

A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother “Mommy” the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.” It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.” “You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!"

It was a Tuesday when the judge passed a verdict against a certain lawyers client. On Wednesday the lawyer rushed into the judges chambers. ” Your honor I just found out new information and I would like to file an appeal.” “What did you find out?”, asked the judge. After a few moments of silence the lawyer responded “well I found out my client has another $5000 dollars."

A Drunk climbs on a bar stool in a bar and screams “All lawyers are sneaky thieves.” A man stands up and says “Hey, I resent that remark.”
The drunk shouts back “Why, are you a lawyer?” “No”, says the man “I’m a sneaky thief.”

A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that it’s way to early for him to day, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said “I’m sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."



  • 2 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • A lawyer gets in a taxi in Washington DC and strikes up a conversation with the driver.

    The driver says "I am offering a 'lawyers' special' today for all my passengers that practice law."

    "What is a 'lawyers' special?" asks the passenger.

    The driver says "for only $15, I will drive you up to Capitol Hill, and when we get in front of the Supreme Court building, I will tap the bumper of a car in front of us. You jump out and start yelling at the driver and then you can tell everyone that you had an argument in front of the Supreme Court!"

  • Hee! I'm a lawyer and I love these. Here are a couple of my favorite classics:

    Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.

    What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

    There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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