OK to be Gay...

ACU Frank

I knew that title would get you...

I have a 'situation' coming up and I'm wondering how you all would handle it. One of my gay employees is 'coming out' Friday, I'm told.

Here's the issue: We all thought he was already out.

How do I react when he gives me the 'news'? On the one hand, it feels awkward to tell him I already knew. On the other hand, I don't want to pretend I didn't know... it's somewhat deceptive and if he finds out later I knew, then it could damage his trust in me.

What would you do?

cnghr

I understand why coming out to one's family & friends (if they hadn't already figured it out) would be a big thing, but I guess I wasn't aware that coming out as gay was generally made that big a deal of in the workplace.

Personally, I don't care about the sexual orientation of any of our employees, since it should have no bearing on how they perform the job we pay them to do. So I can't imagine why any one of them would feel the need to come to management and announce that they were gay. But if I were in your situation, I think I would probably just thank him for sharing that with me, without saying one way or another whether I already knew or not.

My late son was semi-closeted, he never officially came out to me but I had figured it out before he ever had a chance to tell me. His friends knew, but he never made any big proclamations to the world in general, and didn't feel that he needed to. Those closest to him knew, and many others probably knew but never felt the need to comment, because that wasn't the context in which they related to him.

NaeNae55

I agree with cnghr. Just thank him for sharing and don't elaborate.

SpartanFan

Let me put Frank's question another way-
What if this employee,(or any other employe for that matter) decided he wanted to announce what type of sexual experience he enjoyed over the past weekend? Would this type of "announcement" be viewed as appropriate for your workplace? We probably all have some written or known policy that stipulates discussing one's sexual exploits at work is inaapropriate and potentially a violation of sexual harrssment policies. So why on earth is it acceptable to either allow, or be concerned about your reaction to, an employee who wishes to announce to his/her co-workers and management how he engages in sex? My answer would be, "you shall not discuss, 'come out', or engage our workforce in any discussion about your sexual preferences which have absolutely nothing to do with our workplace or your job duties - keep those annoncements for your firend and family.

joannie

My favorite HR phrase is most appropriate in this instance: "And this is work-related, how?"

ACU Frank

It could be work-related, depending on any benefits eligibility questions that may follow.

NaeNae55

I don't think it is ever really possible to keep private lives and professional lives completely separate. What happens in one area tends to affect the other area.

In addition, I don't think this employee is wanting to discuss a 'sexual experience.' I think he is wanting to conquer a fear that others will reject him if they truly know who he is. Fears hold us back and prevent us from being the best that we can be. If you want your employees to be the best employees possible, then you should do anything that you can to help them be successful, providing it remains in the 'appropriate behavior' category.

Having said that, it is important to remain professional while on the job. It is also important not to do or say things that will harm our employers. Therefore, be sensitive to this guy and let him tell his story. He'll feel better, and it doesn't cost you anything but a few moments of your time. Just don't respond with anything that can later be used as ammuniation.

ACU Frank

Spot on, Nae. Spot on.

sonny

so, Frank. . what did the coming out consist of?

Still Need Coffee

[QUOTE=SpartanFan;722584]Let me put Frank's question another way-
What if this employee,(or any other employe for that matter) decided he wanted to announce what type of sexual experience he enjoyed over the past weekend? Would this type of "announcement" be viewed as appropriate for your workplace? We probably all have some written or known policy that stipulates discussing one's sexual exploits at work is inaapropriate and potentially a violation of sexual harrssment policies. So why on earth is it acceptable to either allow, or be concerned about your reaction to, an employee who wishes to announce to his/her co-workers and management how he engages in sex? My answer would be, "you shall not discuss, 'come out', or engage our workforce in any discussion about your sexual preferences which have absolutely nothing to do with our workplace or your job duties - keep those annoncements for your firend and family.[/QUOTE]

So by this rationale, do you feel employees shouldn't announce weddings, engagements, or births, as they deal with "sexual exploits?" Allowing one but not the other seems a bit contradictory.

ACU Frank

Friday came and went... I small-talked a minute or so with him on the phone, waiting for the manager to be available... but nothing. It's possible that one his friends - possibly one of the other gay employees - told him I'm just straight, not oblivious. Or he remembered that the week before he started, I couldn't get him on the phone so I contacted him through Facebook. Facebook is the new window to the soul...

Paul in Cannon Beach

I think its great if this employee wants to announce his "coming out" as long as its not expected that every person he feels he must announce this too is required to congratulate him or jump up and down.

I think that is the part I would take issue with: the expectation of a certain response.

kelros

Employees talk at work all the time about what they did with their spouses over the week-end, what their kids are doing, etc. It is not inappropriate and is in fact helpful to building a cohesive team. Homosexuals often feel excluded or silenced. They do not feel that colleagues or family want to hear about thier significant others and the movie they saw over the week-end together. A lesbian friend of mine just left her very good job and launched her own business because people in what I considered a progressive business place, in which she was definately out, never inquired about her week-end or her significant other while carrying on about their own or each other's regularly at teh copy or coffee machines.

A person has to be out to talk casually about their activities with their significant other. A workplace that does not discriminate let's people do so in a brief and professional manner and then invites all significant others to business family picnics or whatever is going on in which straight employees get to say anything or include their spouses or significant others.

kelros

[QUOTE=Paul in Cannon Beach;722605]I think its great if this employee wants to announce his "coming out" as long as its not expected that every person he feels he must announce this too is required to congratulate him or jump up and down.

Agreed, and I don't want to have to congratulate straight people on their marriage or their wedding anniversaray either.

Paul in Cannon Beach

I have to disagree with you Kelros. A marriage, anniversary, pregnancy, graduation announcement is an announcement of an event.

Announcing your sexual preference is not the same. Its a personal revelation.

I think courtesy should be a hallmark of all interactions but I take issue with anyone who feels their personal sexual preferences require my congratulations.

SpartanFan

I think telling co-workers about a wedding, engagement or birth is of a child is an announcement of an "event" and is in no way a valid comparison to the practice of announcing what your sexual preference is. If this same guy wanted to announce he was marrying his companion, I think that's fine. However, if he has this desire to simply "come out" at work, which essentially is an announcement to his co-workers that he prefers to have sex with his own gender, it's an inappropriate subject matter for the workplace. It would be just as inappropriate for someone to announce to thier co-workers that they're a heterosexual; it boils down to a discussion about what gender you prefer to have sex with and it is not a subject matter that should be discussed with co-workers or facilitated by employers. Why is that something he, or the employer, feels co-workers need to know?

ACU Frank

Looks like I unintentionally hit a nerve.

NaeNae55

What do you mean unintentionally? You and Paul often try to get us all going. So this time it wasn't on purpose?

Paul in Cannon Beach

I think this is an interesting discussion and worth having. Either you discuss issues openly and honestly or you stifle discourse and people remain silent but grow angry.

In light of the increasing states passing gay marriage, I think the distinction between announcing one's marital union and one's sexuality is an important one.

ACU Frank

Haha

No, not on purpose... This time.