Observations
HRQ
2,849 Posts
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American
Comments
The Mad Cow joke was good too but I think I'll let Ray field test that one first.
I read this one recently:
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
-George Carlin
Ray, you might want to put on some protective gear before repeating the Mad Cow comment to any females. x;-)
I also happen to think Paul Rodriguez' comment is interesting.
[url]http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2930896760066473597USFbEp[/url]
As we progress through the interview, she moved in her chair and the bag fell over. Spilling out of the bag was the grren dish. The woman bent over and put it back into the bag as if nothing happened.
I asked a couple of more questions, and then asked her to excuse me as I made a phone call. I called security and when he arrived, I asked her to reveal the contents of her bag. She then said it was not her bag, it must have been left by the prvious applicant.
Oh, she was applying for an AR/.AP spot in Accounting.
Sometimes thieves and liars can get past me because I just dont expect people to do that kind of stuff. Its always a bit suprising to me. I give people the benefit of the doubt until they show me differently.
Huh???
Happy 1500th post to you,
Happy 1500th post, Dear Joannie,
Happy 1500th post to you![/font][/b]