Human Resources

Paul in Cannon Beach

If you really think about it, the term "human resources" is pretty bad. It sounds like something out of a George Orwell novel. Like you have a stockpile of humans that you use to get work done.

Its an improvement from "Personnel" though.

A friend of mine has renamed her department "the People's Department" so she is now "People's Department Director". Its a nice nod towards a better understanding of your most valuable resource but I am not sure it fits me.

What about the rest of you? Are you all HR? I have considered the title "Staff Development Director" because I believe that is my greatest responsibility.

I could go with "Staff Training and Development Director" but that would make me the "STD" Director which would raise a lot of eyebrows.

Some days, "Sherriff" seems appropriate...

ray a

Human Resources, but my boss, retired from one of the Big Three Auto makers, still calls us the Personnel Dept. I've never liked calling people are "greatest asset". What are assets? desks, chairs, pens, pencils, all expendable items to be used and replaced when worn out.

Paul in Cannon Beach

You wouldn't want to be "Greatest Assets Director" either because it would certainly be abbreviated to something undesirable.

Maybe "Ringmaster" is the best term.

ritaanz

Good Grief. Paul don't you have work to do?

Haven't you heard the latest? There is a campaign going on to change the name to Human Capital. How's that? Do you feel better now?

Irie

"Over-compensated Babysitter" seems to be what my title should be.

Unfortunately management thinks that any job not directly involved in production (we're manufacturing) just isn't important; that is until a government agency comes knocking on our door...

ray a

You're right, Irie. I like to remind them occasionally, that I have made sure we passed 3 DOL audits of our AAP which kept us out of trouble. Of course the response is, "what have you done for me today?"

HRQ

I don't care what my title is. Changing it just confuses people.

In my past life, the title was changed to Team Services which was thoroughly confusing for people. "But I need to talk to HR!"

I particularly enjoy when an manager introduces me to someone else. "This is Lori, she's our, umm, Human Resources." They don't know WHAT to call me. Some still introduce me as Lori the HR Queen. I like that best.

allsteaks

We have alot of long term employees who like to still call us Personnel, including the people who work for me in HR (Personnel). But my favorite is what a friend calls his department: Department of Humor Resources. Congrats to Q for being HR Queen, which seems appropriate! But maybe we should just be called "George". No one else wants to do it, let George do it!!

Paul in Cannon Beach

Of course I have work to do, why else would I be here?

ritaanz

x:-/

Paul in Cannon Beach

Ritaanz, you have been "away" for awhile. Nobody uses smileys here anymore.

This is a PROFESSIONAL forum.

LarryC

I think I've told you this before, but here I'm the head of the Department Of People Employment. Yep! I'm the Head......

ACU Frank

My resume always lists my most recent job as "CMO - Chief Morale Officer". I think it has helped steer interviews in the direction I like.

NaeNae55

I hope that instead of a name plate on your desk you have a title plate. Yep. I would certainly like to come see you in your office one day and see that. It would even be more fun than touring 10,000 lakes, and you can't do better than that.

ray a

Nae, I can give you directions... on second thought, maybe you should get them from Larry. Inside joke.

NaeNae55

My title is Manager of Finacial Services. I think it is a really clear title. Surprisingly, I get some odd looks at SHRM events. Go figure.

Paul in Cannon Beach

Well, it could just be the misspelling, Nae.

Lately I am leaning towards "Director of Behavioral Adjustment"

HRQ

OK, fine, if we are going to consider new titles, I think mine should be Director of Drama Management.

Paul in Cannon Beach

I like that.

How about "DCU" - "Drama Containment Unit"

HRQ

Drama Department, just like in school.

We could wear a different costume every day. Wait, we already did that with The Cheese Movers.

Paul in Cannon Beach

I could envision putting together a small box for my office marked "DCU FIELD KIT".

If anyone asks, I could say its an emergency "Drama Containment" field kit that I use to respond to various and sundry HR issues.

Now what to put in the DCU field kit...

- Clown nose (thats a given)
- rubber chicken
- copy of the policy manual
- kleenex
- ukelele (for resolution celebration singing of kumbaya)
- sketch pad for doodling while parties discuss their problems
- aspirin
- hand puppets (for role playing and re-creating workplace incidents)
- shocker pen (for keeping the mood light when signing a last chance agreement)
- light blue face paint (for faking ones death if you need to leave to play golf or go shopping)
- granola bar

Might need a larger box than I thought...

HRQ

THIS is why I like Paul. Love the idea...

Add to the kit;
- face mask and chest protector (to be worn when announcing annual insurance premium increases)
- Prozac dispenser, with unlimited refills
- tablet of voluntary resignation forms, to be whipped out "quick-draw style" (for those rare moments when a long-suffering employee says "I quit")

Paul in Cannon Beach

Nice Q...

Let's add a supply of pre-printed emotionally sensitive sympathy cards that say

"You are very special to us. If we can be of assistance to you while you deal with _________, please let us know. -Your Human Resources Department"

We can just write in "cancer" or "divorce" to customize the cards when we give them out.

HRQ

VERY sensitive. Make sure the cards are printed on NCR paper. The 2nd copy will be retained for use in the Unemployment hearing when the employee claims that they quit for "compelling reasons," citing that "nobody cared" about their personal situation.

We'll be able to PROVE that we cared.

Paul in Cannon Beach

Hey Q, M Lee Smith contacted me over the weekend to challenge for intellectual property rights of the "Drama Containment Field Kit". Apparently, after reading our posts they are going to begin offering a field kit with every HR HERO subscription.

I told them if I got 20 percent, I'd go away quietly.

HRQ

We're in the wrong business. Forget interacting with employees, let's just start our own HR products company. We can work from our homes, wearing our jammies and fuzzy slippers.

joannie

"You are very special to us. If we can be of
>assistance to you while you deal with _________,
>please let us know. -Your Human Resources
>Department"
>

Shouldn't that be "Your Humane Resources Department"?

Paul in Cannon Beach

Well, Joannie, that goes without saying.

You are right though Q. There is a big market selling companies HR stuff like required postings and W-4s that they can get for free.

Would their be a job in our company for Ray? We could at least put his picture on the cover of our catalogs as "the Founder". He looks earnest and knowledgeable.

Do you think it would be innappropriate to include a taser in the DC field kit?

ACU Frank

We could also include a handful of dominos, for the demonstration we need to do everytime the boss wants us to look the other way when his secretary violates the dress code or attendance policy.

ritaanz

x:o I thought that only my boss does that. You know, that doesn't apply in this case blah, blah, blah.

Paul in Cannon Beach

Nice, Frank! Visual aids are great for bringing down a frazzled employee high as a kite on drama and caffeine.

You could also use the illustration that nobody really understands our corporate mission in the same way that nobody really knows how to play dominos.