Just a 'Heads Up" this morning

Hunter1

This afternoon I will attend the funeral of one of our employees, a firefighter, who, after attending a morning of training during which everyone said he acted normal, went home during lunch and apparently took his own life. He joked with co-workers, asked questions, and took notes, leaving his books open and ready for the afternoon session.

This excellent employee, who was scheduled for minor surgery for a work-related condition this week, and who I had worked with personally on setting up a limited duty return to work plan for after surgery, apparently obsessed with the possibility that he would not be able to get back to 100% and 'carry his weight' with his coworkers. He was already eligible for early retirement, and there's no question that even if he had not returned to full duty (an unlikely chance) that we would have worked with him to provide work within his capabilities until he was ready to retire.

We're bringing in counselors from our EAP, and hopefully doing the right things after the fact, but no one saw this coming.

Thanks for listening. Keep your eyes and ears open to subtle changes in your employees and others who are important to you.

Dorrie D

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 01-29-04 AT 10:41AM (CST)[/font][br][br]DORIS WEDGE

Hunter 1, I want to express my condolences, having experienced something similar with someone I had greeted at the coffee bar or workroom for virtually every work day for 28 years! We all asked ourselves, and continue to ask, if there was some clue and we could have intervened. But what we do realize now, with input from the investigating officer and her family, is that she was really living two lives, having terribly misled her family about a recent promotion and salary increase, having misled co-workers about the success of a family business venture, the family apprently unaware that she was in financial problems with credit card bills coming here at work, etc. Our EAP counselor helped beyond measure. A major realization was that when you know someone at work, you only know one part of their lives.

marc

I am sorry for your loss. This is a sobering reminder of what is important.

Cinderella

Hunter, I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy. You, your co-workers, and the firefighter's family are in my thoughts.
Cinderella

rad

I am so sorry Hunter, how tragic. It sounds like you did everything you could to help him. I hope you're going to make your own visit to EAP...

System

Hunter1, I know how you AND the family feels. No one could have known and many will feel guilty for not seeing signs. This particular loss is more tragic than most any other kind. Your EAP will provide some help.

We'll be keeping you in our prayers and thoughts.

Rockie

Sad Situation Hunter. We are struggling now with a very unstable employee who is going to run out of FMLA soon and will not be able to perform her job due to psychological problems. We have this same concern that she will do something to herself. She has stated that her job is her life and this is not something I am looking forward to addressing.

I have to balance taking an unstable nurse out of a patient care situation to avoid hurting patients or terminating her on the chance that she will do something to herself. We really have no choice in the matter.

Pork

HUNTER 1: Our prayers are with you and your company; I was just on the internet reading of the truma experienced by our troops coming home from the war, I flipped to HRHero and the forum and here is your post and my thoughts immediately turned to the comparsions of war and "the here and now". I realized that I have been in both; as I grow older with each passing day, I long for the PEACE IN LIFE AND DEATH, AS SURELY IT WILL COME. However, in the mean time, we must all turn to the peace in faith with our Lord.

May we all have a better day, and a Blessed one to understand what we can and to be at peace with what is beyond our understanding. We humans are giving the right to make choices and travel our paths of life, as we see fit. Some of us have the ability to look through life's issues and pressures to take the right bends, turns, stops, and go and some us simply make the ending of our travels a "decision"! Take care of the family and the loving friends and provide them with a steady hand to hold in each one's path of life as we all travel to the end in our own way, "to each his own"! We are with you!

PORK

mwild31

Hunter1 - I am so sorry. Having been in this situation several times, personally & professionally, I know how important it is to talk about it. Please, as you're taking care of everyone else, take care of yourself. For me the "telling" of the situation was more cathartic, than anything that anyone could say to comfort me - at least in the beginning. Talk about it & cry about it & encourage others to do the same - it will help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

LindaS

Hunter - I, too, am truly sorry to hear of this tragedy. I believe bringing your EAP in will greatly assist your employees in dealing with this very difficult situation.

sonny

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 01-29-04 AT 01:39PM (CST)[/font][br][br]I am so sorry Hunter. This is the type of situation that has made me such a big fan of EAPs. You are doing the right things, evidenced by you bringing them in. While it is good to always keep you eyes and ears open and learn the warning signs of suicide and depression, do not try to second guess yourselves for what you might have missed. It is normal and typical to do so, but my experience has been that it is highly unlikely that anything would have changed the outcome. .especially the way you describe it. I will be sending good thoughts your way the rest of the afternoon. If you would return the favor tomorrow when I am at the funeral of the 30 year old wife of one of our guys, I'd appreciate it. Not a good week, I guess. Do take care of YOU.

HRQ

How awful, most of all for the firefighter and his loved ones. Every time I hear something like this, I'm reminded how fortunate I've been to have lost so few loved ones in my life.

Take care.

mdm

Hunter I am so sorry for your loss and the family's loss. Death is hard enough without it being suicide. I just returned to work after attending a funeral today for my fiance's aunt. She passed away form congestive heart failure at the age of 65. I also attended a funeral this past Sunday for my friend's father. He had a heart attack at 70/71. I will miss them both.

From the sounds of it you are definitely doing the right thing by using the counselors. I hope it helps the employees and their loved ones.

God Bless!

Don D

Hunter and All: It's important that people not blame themselves or search too deeply for the 'what ifs' and 'why'. Those answers are never found. I know for sure. There are no easy answers. There are no simple answers. There are no single answers. Simply, there are no answers. When this strikes you or near you, please remember to hug and support those most affected. The one most important thing I can tell you is this. Please don't think you should shy away due to the circumstances and that you shouldn't send cards and attend funerals and visit and followup just because of the manner of death. Death is death and whatever you would normally do to acknowledge a death should be done in this case as well. The same for anniversaries and Sundays and Special Days and Birthdays. If you would celebrate those by mentioning them following a 'normal' death, you must do the same in these cases. If you would tell Mary on Sunday that you sure do miss John who died of cancer, you should tell her the same thing on Sunday if he died in this manner. Don't fail to acknowledge this type of death. People keep shoeboxes full of cards and notes for the rest of their life and a note or card on these occasions are forever just as meaningful, regardless of the circumstance. The only other thing I can think of to say right now is this: The widow, the children, the brothers, the nieces, the mother will forever be asking the questions why and what if and when and what happened. Don't ask them those same questions. They'll have a lifetime of asking those questions without answers and they don't need to try to answer them for you or for us.


Hunter, I don't envy you this day. I know you're up to handling it though because of who you are. Hang tough. Don

Beave

I can only imagine what your going through right now. In my prvious HR life, I had a good friend who was a police officer. At the scene of an "unwanted guest" call, he was shot twice and killed with his own gun in a struggle with the suspect (who in response, was then shot 17 times by our other officers). I will NEVER forget the funeral - the public safety community really do honor their own. It brought the whole department together like you wouldn't beleive. EVERYONE had a common thead and understanding for years. Understand that you are not alone in your feelings - look to your fellow employees who may share the same feelings. Utilize your EAP and your careing Forum friends. Many are there and understand if you ever need an ear.

Cinderella

Don, I agree with you 100%. As someone once said, "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience".

Cinderella

Human Resources Manager

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 01-29-04 AT 04:20PM (CST)[/font][br][br]Hunter,

I agree with Don wholeheartedly. You cannot torture yourself with "what if..." and "if only...", there are no answers for this kind of tragedy, and even if there were, they wouldn't make you feel better about it.

The only things for you to do is grieve as you see fit, offer comfort to those around you, and accept comfort from others.

ritaanz

Don's right. There are no answers, just hurt.

I had a department supervisor who had an office next to mine. We talked and joked all the time. He spoke lovingly about his 2 sons and wife.

One day his wife called and said he would not be into work. I asked if he would be in the next day. She said no, because he hanged himself in the garage last night. And she said it just like that. I know she was in shock but I can still hear those words in my head. I, too, searched for a reason. I felt that because we talked so much, surely I missed something.

But it doesn't work that way. You just learn to live with it and become a stronger person.