Favorite Performance Appraisal Items


· Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
· Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
· A room temperature IQ.
· Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
· A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
· A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
· A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
· Bright as Alaska in December.
· One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
· Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
· Fell out of the family tree.
· Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
· Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
· He's so dense, light bends around him.
· If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
· If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
· If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
· It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
· One neuron short of a synapse.
· Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
· Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
· Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This associate is really not so much of a "has-been", but more of a definitely "won't be".
4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations. You may want to consider using them for someone you work with.
(1) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(2) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(3) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(4) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(5) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(6) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(7) "He's been working with glue too much."
(8) "He would argue with a signpost."
(9) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(10) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(11) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(12) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
(13) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(14) "Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes."


  • 1 Comment sorted by Votes Date Added
  • This is true life. Once I was transferred from one city to another, same agency, by the Area Supervisor. I had never met the office manager until my first day on the new job. His comment to me was, "You look like a COFO worker. If I'd known that I wouldn't have accepted you." Then 6 months later, he writes on my formal performance evaluation, "Wears hair and sideburns a lot longer than I personally like." (Of course he couldn't say that today). This was the same guy who could look at a person's verbal and spatial scores on an aptitude test and tell you within two points what their IQ was. Now HE was REALLY depriving a village somewhere of an idiot! x:-)
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