Groundhog Warfare
Shadowfax
910 Posts
Since there is an articulated lack of humor on this thread, I will pass along a story which my wife thought was hilarious, but only because I was being bested by the beast.
Sunday last, my wife at the kitchen sink screamed for my presence to identify this huge critter in the backyard. It was an enormous groundhog (woodchuck to some of you) on steroids. I guessed immediately that he had taken up residence under our deck. A quick visual examination proved my suspicion to be accurate. Since he had gained access gnawing through the lattice under the deck and behind a thick row of shrubs (prickly, naturally) I had to crawl into the shrubs on my belly to figure a way to lock him out, if I could get him out. I positioned an appropriately sized board just above the opening and retreated inside until he came out. When he was about 20 feet away I made my move.In one fluid manuever, I threw the door knob raced to the board, launched my body parellel to the ground, stretching as far as I could with my right hand to slam the door closed...and the great hairy beast beat me! Drats!I said I says, "This means War *&$%#@ Wood*&#$chuck", and Hanseled and Gretled some pieces of pear into the back yaard to lure the gelatinous blubbery ogre into the open and give me a chance to beat him back to the gate! He cautiously crept out and smelled the first piece, sat and ate it then moved to the next. My heart raced, the adrenalin coursed through my veins and permeated every nano cube of tissue in anticipation of my impending victory over this hoary nemesis. I was as patient as a cat in full stalker mode. He made his way to the third peice of pear and I shot from the house like the neighbor caught in flagrante with the woman next door when her husband came home unexpectedly, 3 fulll strides onto the deck, throw my body headfirst toward the makeshift gate, catch my elbow on the grill my foot in the clematis and crash into the prickly thicket just a pico second behind the dissappearing rodent's arse end squeezing through my vandalized lattice work. Well, when the battle weary warrior returns to hearth and home, is it too mjuch to expect a little sympathy? A little loving compassion? A modicum of understanding? Apparently! She could barely stop convulsing long enough to breathe let alone comfort my battered body and bruised ego. Wounded but not beaten I resolved to once again lure the beast further into the vastness of the back yard, and having cleared a less impeded pathway, best the lard rat in one final heat. This time I put a piece of wood in the door (so as not to have to turn the knob) and prevailed upon my wife to tell me where the monster was and give me the launch signal. The pear pieces were spread to the middle of the yard, i crouched in readiness, and my wife said:"not yet..not yet..hold on..not yet..a little further..wait...wait...get ready...GO! GO! GO! GO!" The cunning oversized hampster was no match for my battle plan and athletic quickness. I beat him by a good two steps, his head banged into the slamed down gate, and he staggered and whobboled his way to the neighbor's deck. I've set up my video cam to record the neighbor's ridiculous efforts to rid himself of the vile varmit. I expect to make at least $10,000 on America'z Home Video, and I won't share a dime with either the neighbor or my wife.
Sunday last, my wife at the kitchen sink screamed for my presence to identify this huge critter in the backyard. It was an enormous groundhog (woodchuck to some of you) on steroids. I guessed immediately that he had taken up residence under our deck. A quick visual examination proved my suspicion to be accurate. Since he had gained access gnawing through the lattice under the deck and behind a thick row of shrubs (prickly, naturally) I had to crawl into the shrubs on my belly to figure a way to lock him out, if I could get him out. I positioned an appropriately sized board just above the opening and retreated inside until he came out. When he was about 20 feet away I made my move.In one fluid manuever, I threw the door knob raced to the board, launched my body parellel to the ground, stretching as far as I could with my right hand to slam the door closed...and the great hairy beast beat me! Drats!I said I says, "This means War *&$%#@ Wood*&#$chuck", and Hanseled and Gretled some pieces of pear into the back yaard to lure the gelatinous blubbery ogre into the open and give me a chance to beat him back to the gate! He cautiously crept out and smelled the first piece, sat and ate it then moved to the next. My heart raced, the adrenalin coursed through my veins and permeated every nano cube of tissue in anticipation of my impending victory over this hoary nemesis. I was as patient as a cat in full stalker mode. He made his way to the third peice of pear and I shot from the house like the neighbor caught in flagrante with the woman next door when her husband came home unexpectedly, 3 fulll strides onto the deck, throw my body headfirst toward the makeshift gate, catch my elbow on the grill my foot in the clematis and crash into the prickly thicket just a pico second behind the dissappearing rodent's arse end squeezing through my vandalized lattice work. Well, when the battle weary warrior returns to hearth and home, is it too mjuch to expect a little sympathy? A little loving compassion? A modicum of understanding? Apparently! She could barely stop convulsing long enough to breathe let alone comfort my battered body and bruised ego. Wounded but not beaten I resolved to once again lure the beast further into the vastness of the back yard, and having cleared a less impeded pathway, best the lard rat in one final heat. This time I put a piece of wood in the door (so as not to have to turn the knob) and prevailed upon my wife to tell me where the monster was and give me the launch signal. The pear pieces were spread to the middle of the yard, i crouched in readiness, and my wife said:"not yet..not yet..hold on..not yet..a little further..wait...wait...get ready...GO! GO! GO! GO!" The cunning oversized hampster was no match for my battle plan and athletic quickness. I beat him by a good two steps, his head banged into the slamed down gate, and he staggered and whobboled his way to the neighbor's deck. I've set up my video cam to record the neighbor's ridiculous efforts to rid himself of the vile varmit. I expect to make at least $10,000 on America'z Home Video, and I won't share a dime with either the neighbor or my wife.
Comments
BTW, has anyone ever seen a squirrel at night? No one here I have asked remembers ever seeing one at night. I ask because a few weeks ago we went to Springfield MO. We arrived about 10pm and as we walked towards the side door to our hotel we saw a crazy squirrel. He ran down the sidewalk and into a glass door...3 times. Then he ran away. Seeing a squirrel jump up into a glass door and then bounce down again several times was very funny, but... at night?
Good luck with your video Shadowfax. I'll be watching for it.
As a matter of fact, yesterday afternoon he had a fair shot at a raccoon in our yard which was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but after the shot, when it crawled into a stump, our patience failed us.
A video camera would have been handy when he was pounding on the stump of the tree with the barrel of his gun. I better sign him up for some gun class before he kills himself, or worse, me. x;)
What happens when neighbor-guy gives the groundhog a temporary concussion and it wanders back to your yard. Will you be ready and better prepared?
#1 thing a consultant shouldn't say: "I could tell you the answer right now, but we're committed to a three month project..." #-o
1) NaeNae55 - it could be rabies.
2)Shadowfax - they are vicious little animals; and since they don't have the best dental care, their bites usually become very infected. I had an experience with one when I was in high school. I was out picking vegetables and stepped on one. I screamed for help, father got the shotgun (we use to keep it easily excessable but unloaded for such happenings). I stepped off the animal, and it chased me. Fortunately, our dog distracted it and you can guess the rest (it ended with a bang). In my youth, one of our neighbor's German Shepards had one dig into its yard. The groundhog and shepard got into a fight, the shepard was badly torn up. After a lot of surgery, it still died of the infection.
My dad attempted to evict these guys in several humane ways...patch up the hole while they're out, fill the hole with unpleasant skunk things..we got a recipe from a gardening book...and finally, he decided to smoke them out. Since he tends to leave for work before the skunks are home for the day, he placed a smoke bomb in the hole and went onto work.
My mom left work work not long after...
about an hour later, one of the neighbors notices flames coming from our porch...so the two oldest men in the neighborhood got together and decided to save the house....I only wish I could have seen the keystone cops trying to put out the fire...
Fortunately, no one was hurt...and the house was fine...seems the smoke bomb ignited some of the skunk bedding.
and the skunks never came back.
I still say a gun is the best approach. And they DO make rat shot that makes much less noise when it's fired.
Your story brought on memories of Bill Murray and Caddie shack - I thought he stole the show in that movie. Of course, even Tiger got to do a 30 second commercial playing Bill.
They are huge rodents, but getting rid of one next to a golf course leaves only a few options. I like your approach, make some money off of the movie.
Actually, we could never maneuver fast enough to get 'em. They can turn on a dime, unlike a jeep, and we were so afraid of rolling the jeep that we took it carefully. Just herded 'em a little bit. x;-)
I say if you can't fire a gun in the neighborhood- use a slingshot. A nice steel bearing ball right between the eyes should do the trick. And it won't make a sound.
Another way to get rid of it is to use Peppermint extract and put a few drops in the holes that it leaves. It'll move on to your neighbors house then.