Archaeological Digs
Parabeagle1
40 Posts
Okay, well my previous alias seems to have disappeared into the ether and so I'm now Parabeagle1 instead of just plain ol' Parabeagle (or Beaglepuss as Rita calls me).
Anyway, the story behind this: There's this guy who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time. Anyway, here's a letter sent from the Smithsonian Institution after receiving one of his treasures:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to clothesline post - Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents 'conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.' Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff who has small children, believes to be the 'Malibu Barbie.' It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 4 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The detention pattern evident on the 'skull' is mroe consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the 'ravenous, man-eating Pliocene clams' you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this Institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on;
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with regret that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy workload our lab bears in its normal operation and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name, "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally I, for one, fought tenaciously for the proposed name, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to us, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to Washington as proposed in your last letter and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered which seems to take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities.
Anyway, the story behind this: There's this guy who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time. Anyway, here's a letter sent from the Smithsonian Institution after receiving one of his treasures:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to clothesline post - Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents 'conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.' Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff who has small children, believes to be the 'Malibu Barbie.' It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 4 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The detention pattern evident on the 'skull' is mroe consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the 'ravenous, man-eating Pliocene clams' you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this Institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on;
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with regret that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy workload our lab bears in its normal operation and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name, "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally I, for one, fought tenaciously for the proposed name, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to us, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to Washington as proposed in your last letter and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered which seems to take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities.
Comments
Good story. Glad you're still with us.
More than that, I don't even remember how many posts I was up to, but now I'm starting all over. As for whether or not the ladies will remember me, one thing I've learned about women is they have LOOOOOONG memories! x;-)
And guys, women forget things. They just can't forget that they forgot.