Advice on Sex Change

We have an employee who appears to be going through a sex change. He hasn't told any supervisors yet but has made some comments to a few co-workers for them to believe that he is. He has let his hair grow long & keeps it in a ponytail, has been wearing clothing that has been purchased at a women's store (although the clothing & shoes are gender neutral) and it appears that he is on hormones (he doesn't have to shave anymore). He is almost 22. The supervisor has previously been told that he is to be treated just like any other employee and when an employee comments (they have) to let them know that it's his perogative to dress how he wants, long hair is allowed (we have other men with ponytails) and they shouldn't gossip about it. I am concerned if he starts wearing dresses & we don't have a dress policy.

The supervisor just told me that "apparantly yesterday he was wearing a bra & some employees were talking about it behind his back." Our workforce is 95% women, average age 42. We are a non-profit public entity and he works with the public.

Any advice on how to handle it with him since he hasn't told us anything and future comments from his co-workers? :-?

Thanks, Kathy

Comments

  • 27 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • You need to quickly conduct 'Sexual and other forms of harassment' training. Review your own policy and everyone should sign off on the training. Your training should include all employees (especially superviors) and minimally should cover protected classes and the definition of sexual harassment. In some states, to include Maryland, 'sexual orientation' is a protected class.
  • You only have the obligation to enforce your company policy on harassment of co-workers. If a coworker were to come up to me and make a remark I would say, "I want to remind you of our company policy regarding harassment of others."
  • Let us know when the "use of which restroom" becomes an issue so we can all have a go at that one too. That should be a fun one.
  • The staff restroom is a single unisex. I'm pretty sure he hasn't used the public ones which are separate. We have had customers who we're concerned about but they haven't used the restroom, yet. When dressed as a woman do they use the womens?
  • Just when I think I have problems...I can't think of anything to help as far as speaking to him. If you have no dress code (how would you write a dress code that says men shouldn't wear women's clothing, anyway?), he is perfoming his duties, etc. what can you do? I do think you should make sure your employees attend harrassment training SOON and make it understood that management will not tolerate any harassment of any kind. He will bring up the subject when he's ready, and even then there's not much you can do. Good luck!
  • Deb, you can have separate dress codes for men and women. Kathy's problem is determining which one is he/she/it. I say that when the operation to change "equipment" takes place, he becomes a she, and she will now use the women's restroom.

    Now you ask, "When do you know when Dick becomes Jane?" I would ask he/she/it to inform me of when this takes place. Obviously this is preceded by probably more than one session with this individual asking for their help, perseverence, and cooperation in this transformation because of the unique nature of the situation.
  • Larry, what about if they are dressed as a woman e.g. in a dress & heels but the equipment hasn't been changed. Do they use the women's or men's restroom. We discussed this in our steering committee because of our customers (yes, plural) who we know are men but dressed as women. The men said they'd be creeped out if he was in the men's restroom in a dress but the women said they wouldn't be as much since everyone is in their own stall & he is dressed as a woman. But they still didn't like it.

    In a class of mine at UC last year (Men's & Women's Issues, an elective) we had an almost transgendered male (not changing the equipment until he retires due to work) who said he used the women's restroom when dressed as a female & men's when dressed as a male (for work). He said he uses the restroom as a woman would & he's an attorney.
  • I believe that for most, in order to have a sex change operation, the person looking to change genders must go through several stages befire they are allowed to have the surgery. The first few are not very noticeable, but the later stages are more overt. We have had situations here when ees are getting toward the end of the process. We have only had men changing to women. They have to wear womens' clothing and wear make-up for (I think) up to one year before they can have the surgery. The transition also normally takes more than one surgical procedure. They have to pick their new name and go by that persona. It is uncomfortable for everyone. The ee has to weather the attention from co-workers and customers (we are a retail company). The co-workers and customers are uncomfortable because most do not understand why this person is doing this. You want to make everyone know that any inappropriate comments/actions will be addressed and, as stated by others, remind everyone of your harassment policy. For us, when the men are required to start wearing women's clothing, they must adhere to the dress code policy for women. The fact that they are undergoing a sex change does not make them exempt from following the guidelines, just what they are required to follow.
  • I'm the odd guy out in this conversation. I'm having a hard time imagining that I have multiple male customers dressed as females and a male attorney dressed as a female. Is someone pulling my, ah....leg here? Can we combine this thread with Ray's dilemma of whether to hire the fudge packer?
  • Don, you crack me up. I was rolling on the floor in laughter.

    Anyway, as far as the issue at hand, and I'll try to stay serious here; for me, I'll draw the line at the "equipment change". That's when I would say that you use the other restroom. Since there is no "blueprint" to follow here, that's the way I would choose to handle it. Christ, I've been walking around here with green toenails and the ladies STILL won't let me use their restroom. (I couldn't resist.)
  • I'm serious as cancer about this next statement. I will bet a thousand dollars that the ACLU would defend a person of any gender, questionable gender or none at all who was charged with using the wrong restroom. They will say that a person has a constitutional right to make that decision at the moment nature calls and nobody can challenge a person's right to make that personal election. Courts in California, Massachusetts, Oregon and Vermont will be the first to render decisions stating it is discriminatory and unconstitutional to place sex-referent words like men and women or stick characters on restroom doors and they must come down. Who will take my bet?

    As an aside, the stick characters appearing on airport (and other) restrooms indicate what appears to be a body in slacks, presumably a man, but not necessarily so. And, on another door is what might be presumed to be a human in a dress, which might imply a woman. But, If I have on a dress and go into the door with a sign of a human in a dress, would I not be doing what the sign instructed? And who could fault me or charge me?

    I hope that G3 will post as soon as the 10th Circuit gets ahold of this.
  • Where's the 10th circuit and why would it monitor your posts?
  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 06-17-05 AT 02:32PM (CST)[/font][br][br]He meant the 9th Circus. It is widely believed that all sitting judges research the Forum (specifically Don's posts), the Sunday Comics and the "artistic" work of Robert Mapplethorpe prior to issuing a ruling. pOrk writes their legal opinions.
  • Oh, be that as it may, I think that I will be dead and buried before anyone is interested in the topic of his speculation, so I will be unable to comment at that time. If he thinks differently, though, he might want to don (ha ha) a dress and maybe he can find a girdle to rearrange things, go into any public restroom (the ones intended for females) at the local airport or city hall, smile sweetly and see what happens.
  • I could walk into any public restroom in California, smile sweetly and be swamped with marriage proposals I'm sure. That's one reason I wouldn't go there if you gave me a yacht. You know damned well that my speculation is dead on, based on the antics of the ACLU and the 9th Circus.
  • You will remain content where you are, I am sure.
  • Don- really I'm not pulling your leg. We have an employee who seems to be going through the process. He's almost 22 & I can't imagine a doctor letting him do this at such a young age. The attorney was a transgender who was a speaker at a class I was taking last year. At work he dressed as a male (they had already demoted him for growing his hair long) but off work he dressed as a woman. Get this, he was still married & he said his wife would have to remind him of his husbandly duties. The class was pretty quiet & this one young girl was about the only one asking questions. I kid you not.
  • Uh, like, what were the questions this one young girl asked?
  • She asked the restroom question, one about his job & the legalities of being demoted and a general one about being married which led to discovering he still had husbandly duties. I think most of us were shocked to ask questions (it is conservative Cincinnati). I should've taken notes but who was to know I might have to deal with it in the future.
  • Husbandly duties? Like ironing, gardening, doing the dishes?
  • I am basically going to stick my head in the sand about this issue (a significantly different place from the normal spot my head ususally is).

    We are a private non-profit with 66 EEs, 60 of them are women already. None as the result of a sex-change as far as I know. While we do have some gay women working here, I am not aware of any who are contemplating this type of change.

    The guys all appear to be firmly hetero so I also don't expect to have to deal with this issue from that side of the gender bender fence.

    I am going to hope to not have to take the advice you have been given here.

    All of that said, it is my belief that you must start with clear communication regarding expectations. Does your EE have some sort of schedule when these challenges will be presented to your workplace? If so, what is the schedule, and what are his expectations about the company's support or the company's expectations about getting his/her work done?

    At the end of the day, you are paying for a job to be done. Yes, laws protect the EE and you will abide - as long as you can figure out what they are, and I would suggest this EE has a vested interest in keeping her/himself and the ocmpany informed.
  • I'm going to refer back to post (8), HRinFL. My understanding is that part of the process that takes place prior to surgery, and includes dress, hair, makeup and basically living the life of the sex-to-be, includes using the restroom of the sex-to-be - prior to surgery. For men changing to women, it's easier, because, as previously noted, women's rooms have more stalls. Also, except for co-workers who knew him/her when, strangers may not notice. (Pretend it's "Aly McBeal"!) Some men in serious (vs camp) drag are almost impossible to detect dressed as women.
    Re the age quotient - I was first exposed to this phenomen when I was told that one of the girls on my floor my freshman year in college was a man by junior year - and she wasn't a middle-aged student but in the 20yr-old range.
    Re training - go for it.
  • I don't know what I'd think or do if I walked into the men's room and saw a 'woman' with a ponytail and makeup, bra strap showing through a thin blouse from behind, taupe flats or neon heels, cinched belt around a 24 inch waist, gold anklet and matching bracelet, skirt hiked up, standing at the urinal. I reckon I'd say 'scuse the hell out of ME, get on my motorcycle and drive 2.5 miles to the comfort of my home bathroom. I can safely say I won't have these 'developments' at home. I'd probably call in sick for the rest of the day too.
  • That is a vivid picture! Almost sounds like a real experience?
  • Kathy,

    If I may, since I have some personal (not HR) knowledge of a similar situation, I would like to address this post from that experience. Take what you want, and leave the rest! th-up

    A good friend of mine had a son, who became a daughter. Quite frankly, it was a long and painful process for both of them. What I learned from the son/daughter was that EVERY decision, things we all take for granted, became a huge challenge. The dressing issue revolved over time as Ashley (new name) began to dress slowly as a female. The drugs caused obvious changes, there were other changes NOT so obvious to others. When Ashley completed her change, she began to use the women's restroom. Since she worked for a state organization, the scramble was on to accomodate her and the end result of that was they decided her job requirements were being fulfilled and she did not lose her job. She was treated as female. It became very awkward for her so she left and found a job where no one knew her as a man. Just as "Ashley"

    While it is very difficult for many of us to understand/fathom, this kind of choice, the fact remains that people everywhere, make it every day. Also, if we were all the same life would be very dull. The last time I checked, the "Human" in Human Resources" stood for..... HUMAN!

    I would suggest you speak "humanly" to your ee, believe it or not, this person is feeling as awkward as everyone around them and will welcome your understanding and desire to accomodate him/her. And, your karma will recieve a huge positive deposit!!!

    jmho
    Scorpio

  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 06-20-05 AT 07:23AM (CST)[/font][br][br]Some of you may recall I posted a message about a year ago on this same issue. At that time, the subtle changes were just beginning....letting the hair grow, nail polish and long nails, hormone shots to forego the facial hair. At that time, supplemental harassment training sessions were scheduled for his shift.

    About 3-4 months ago, the employee requested a meeting with his mgr, supv, our nurse, HR and Legal and we sat down with the employee and discussed his needs going forward. We discussed name change, bathroom issues, disclosure, and other issues. You need to be cognizant of the privacy issues and not disclosing info to others without the employees permission. In our situation, the employee indicated he would answer questions posed by his peers at his "introduction meeting....everyone, this is Jane."

    During the phase when the employee is portraying herself as a woman, it is important in the psychological aspect of this period to be totally in the woman's role, thus the employee is dressing as a woman, called a woman's name, and uses a women's restroom.

    There are too many nuances of this transformation to discuss in a post, but Marc and HRinFL, as well as others have posted good information to help you get through this. If you have an EAP program in place, give them a call. We found that the employee's transformation doctor (with employee's permission, of course) was informative and willing to assist in dealing with the changes.


  • Kathy,

    All of this is speculation and gossip. Keep that in mind.
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